Over the past several months, Britons have taken to the polls to make their voices heard, and have done so in overwhelming fashion. The naming of a new exploration vessel was a landslide, with the name RRS Boaty McBoatface being approved by the people by a margin of 4 to 1 over the second place finisher.
Unfortunately, the British – well-known enemies of democracy and freedom – have deemed the name “not suitable.” It’s like a thousand years of documented civilization and history have been lost on these wieners. It’s time they learned their lesson. They can’t go on wantonly ignoring the will of the people and crushing opposition. Therefore, I present the best replacements for RRS Boaty McBoatface, which will hopefully cause enough guilt and damage to make sure a travesty of this nature never occurs again.
First of all, let’s establish some criteria: I want to make this an original operation, and hurt as many British feelings as possible. Fellow contributor Shibby suggested RRS Boston Tea Party, but that’s kind of been done already, and the longstanding legacy of mediocre American macrobrew Sam Adams being infinitely better than any lukewarm swill you can find in the UK reminds them of that. I also looked into naming the boat after Walter Raleigh or Francis Drake, but those already exist, because unjustly executed expeditioners and slave-trading pirates: fine. Boaty McBoatface: “not suitable.” Fucking Brits, man.
Without further ado, my personal suggestions to replace Boaty McBoatface.
1. RRS Catherine of Aragon
Let’s start our list with a person who was actually considered in the running for the naming of the boat. She finished 9th in all voting, so a prime candidate. This also works as she was cast aside by a British autocrat because she was not suitable. Lesson not learned, apparently.
2. RRS Queen Anne’s Revenge
This is an homage to Edward Teach – more commonly known as Blackbeard. One of the more fearsome pirates, he raided and pillaged from the West Indies up through the Bahamas and the American Colonial coast. The boat he sailed on was named the Queen Anne’s Revenge (he was a veteran of Queen Anne’s War). So in summation – badass boat name, and a reference to Captain Blackbeard, who killed a bunch of Brits.
3. RRS John Paul Jones
We might sneak this one through, in case the guys in charge think I’m referring to the bassist from Led Zeppelin. I’m not, though. The original John Paul Jones is a personal hero of mine for a couple of reasons. Commonly known as the Father of the American Navy, and known to the British as “Paul Jones the Pirate,” he actually invaded England during the Revolutionary War. This wasn’t much of an invasion, as the sole purpose was merely to burn a whole bunch of stuff down (mission accomplished, by the way). A short time later, his ship engaged in a battle with a British ship, where two awesome things happened: The first, when it seemed that the British were going to win, he was actually fistfighting the British captain and says, “I have not yet begun to fight.” John Paul Jones ended up winning by taking over the British ship, making all the Brits get onto his sinking ship, and sailing away, leaving them all to drown. Fuck. Yes.
4. RRS Diego Maradona (Also acceptable, RRS La Mano de Dios)
Hooboy the Brits would be salty about this one. In the 1968 World Cup, England played Argentina in the final. Argentina won after a blatant hand ball from Diego Maradona actually scored the winning goal. The play is forever etched in the minds of British sports fans, because this was basically the last time they were relevant on the global stage, and because of Maradona’s cheeky response to questions as to whether or not the play was a hand ball: “un poco con la cabeza y un poco con la mano de Dios” (“a little with the head, a little with the hand of God”). The play was super obviously a hand ball, but we all let that go because to hell with England.
5. RRS Mel Gibson
The English still regard William Wallace as something of a terrorist and are irked that Braveheart is both super awesome as a movie and reminds them of their history of being assholes. Furthermore, they think the film sucks because an Australian plays the Scottish revolutionary, which sticks in their post-colonial asses something fierce. Throw in Mel’s recent racism and anti-Semitism, and we have a great option to replace Boaty McBoatface.
6. RRS Patton
As the allies invade Europe in World War II, there was a shortage of supplies running to the invading armies, and the powers in place had to choose to either support American badass George Patton or British wanker Bernard Montgomery. They chose Montgomery, because a) supporting Patton would have almost certainly resulted in him banging all their moms, and b) to make the British feel important. Montgomery came up with a plan that looked good on paper but failed epically in practice, mainly because his intelligence was awful and ended up dropping all of his most important supplies and troops on top of a Nazi Panzer division. To this day, Brits really don’t want to hear about how Patton was the better choice.
7. RRS Our State Figureheads Are The Results Of Centuries Of Inbreeding
We will never be RRROOOOOOYYYYYAAAAALLLLLSSSS
So who did we miss? Let us know in the comments. And hopefully we can avenge Boaty McBoatface..
Image via NERC / YouTube