Let me start out by saying that I am by no means religious. However, every year I join the masses in the observance of Lent. Why? Well for me personally, it’s to break out of my winter slump. Last year I gave up bread, dairy, and threw soda in to the mix because I really don’t drink it anyway. The results- I dropped about 20 lbs and got my body ready for the abuse I put it through in NOLA and SUP season.
This year, I plan on taking the same route because I’ve got wedding season coming up and I want to look great in my Hawaiian suit. But if the traditional Lent isn’t your thing, here are some sure fire alternatives for you to give up this year.
BAC Below The Legal Limit
You’ll spend 40 days on #TeamRed this year knocking back glass after glass of “The Blood of Christ” or your favorite cab-sav. Showing up everywhere via Lyft or Uber will be a normal thing because it’d still be cheaper than a DUI. If your boss has a problem with this, be sure to pull a power move and mention that you’d, “Hate to have to contact the ACLU about a violation of the Workplace Religious Freedom Act.” Jesus didn’t turn water into wine so we could be sober. #TurnUpForJesus
#NationalPizzaDay was yesterday, but you can keep the party going by having pizza at every meal. Day one: Breakfast pizza, two slices of pizza for lunch, and BBQ chicken pizza for dinner. Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime, when you give up pizza-less meals for lent you’re gonna eat pizza all the time.
Kale is the devil’s lettuce. Even Google thinks Kale is bad for you based upon my three seconds of research.
As discussed with a colleague on twitter, Kale would be the vegan you met at a Whole Foods bar screaming, “Fur is murder!” with a leather satchel, flannel, and skinny jeans. All the while tweeting about how corporations are ruining the earth from his iPhone. I know it may be tough to do but I believe you can go 40 days without Kale.
Last year, I ironically made my first PGP post about not getting laid during Lent. This year, strive to get off 40 days in a row. I don’t care if it’s through Bumble, Hinge, Christian Mingle, prowling the office cougar/DILF, or abusing yourself like a Bop-It. Nothing is more holy than screaming out, “Oh God!” in ecstasy forty days in a row.
You read it right, and this joke gets recycled every year, but giving up lent for lent is a power-move. You are fasting from fasting and just living every Tuesday from here on out like Fat Tuesday indulging in what ever vice, treat, or drink your heart desires. If you gave it up last year use that #ReLentless hashtag you’ve been saving up for just this occasion.
Take a 40 day vacation, with pay of course, to exercise your religious freedoms. Stay at home watching Netflix and playing video games with God. If your company takes issue with this pull the same power move mentioned earlier and threaten them with a lawsuit from the ACLU.
Closing The PGP Browser Before Sharing
Start now by clicking the Facebook, Twitter, or E-mail tab at the top of the page. While you’re at it, click that thumbs up too. Remember WWJD, and he’d share the shit out of this column.
Now that you have all the fun ways to enjoy lent this year go out there and give it up… especially if abstinence is on your lent list..
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