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7 Great Hangover Cures No One Ever Talks About

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A hangover can never technically be cured. It’s a travesty of modern medicine. Humans have been getting sauced for thousands of years and we’ve still yet to come up with a surefire way of curing our debilitating hangovers. It’s no secret that the morning after gets worse as we age, but there are still hangover cures other than a Gatorade and McDonald’s breakfast, if you can believe it. You’ve been going about this all the wrong way. There’s a better way to handle these things.

Sex

A lot of things can be cured through sex. A hangover is one of them. Sure, a hangover can’t be cured in the medical sense, but it can be made more bearable with a little bit of coitus. Nothing too strenuous. Hopefully your partner is down to do most of the work and if you weren’t lucky enough to wake up in bed with someone, just lean over and grab your computer. Once it’s over, go back to sleep. You may not want to exert yourself, but trust me – taking 10 minutes to do some thrusting is going to work wonders in the long run. First off, it gets your heart rate up, which in turn kickstarts your metabolism or something and starts pumping the toxins out of your body. That’s just how science works, right? In more technical terms, an orgasm is going to make you feel a helluva lot better thanks to the endorphins it releases.

Saltwater

Don’t go drinking water out of the ocean. That’s disgusting and will probably make you feel even worse. Instead, drink some sort of salty mixture. You ever wondered why Gatorade has somewhat of a salty aftertaste? It’s because sodium allows water to be absorbed easier than normal when you’re dehydrated. Don’t ask me why, it just is. Pickle juice, sports drinks or just a straight-up homemade saltwater mixture is going to make you feel better. If anything, you’ll just puke up everything from last night.

Put “The Dog” To Sleep

Don’t drink when you’re hungover. You’re only delaying the inevitable at that point. Plus, drinking away a hangover on any day is a surefire sign you’re an alcoholic. Let’s just call a spade a spade. Even if it’s just a beer to even you out, you’re still introducing alcohol into your system. If you need to recover, take the day and wrestle this hangover demon into submission. You can’t keep delaying it. It only gets worse with every drink (unless it’s a grapefruit juice/vodka, because that cocktail kills hangovers). I’ll let Archer prove my point:

Avoid Contact With Family/The World

Nothing will plunge your hangover further into the depths of despair faster than any sort of contact with a family member. Even if it’s a “hope u have a gr8 sunday!” text from mom, the sheer thought that your own mother is thinking about you makes you feel incredibly guilty. In her mind, you’ve been up since 8am, cooked breakfast, been to the grocery store, cleaned your apartment and made your bed. In reality, you’re still in bed at 1pm, you’re using a Papa John’s box as a pillow and blew what’s left of your monthly budget on two shots of St.-Germain on a girl who most definitely did not go home with you last night. Put your phone on silent, post a Facebook status or tweet so no one thinks you’re dead and throw your phone across the room until you are ready to face the world.

Prescription Drugs

Ain’t no party like a Xanax party. There’s nothing quite like the magic of popping a fresh pink pill when hangover anxiety begins to strike. Your emotions are dulled to “Ivan Drago after killing Apollo Creed” levels of apathy. “If I die, I die. I’m cool with it, man.” It makes the world a better place. You are not optimistic or pessimistic. You just are. You are present. A handful of Advil liqui-gels and a Xannie and it’s nothing but bliss. God bless big pharma.

Recreational Drugs

If you don’t have health insurance, you more than likely have a drug dealer and a “drugs” column on your monthly budget Excel spreadsheet. Freshman and sophomore year of college, it became my Sunday tradition to smoke a bowlski and head over to the campus deli for a meatball sub. Problem solved, hangover gone. Years later, I would just blow a couple of rails and the problem would instantly…you know what? I’ll let another movie clip do the explaining:

A Good Poop

There’s an ancient Chinese belief that the colon holds the key to happiness. Erin Andrews tells me that a healthy colon means a healthy life. They might be onto something. With a solid mass of pure toxins and waste just resting in your lower intestine, it’s only natural that you will feel immediately better once you shit it all out. There’s really nothing worse than a bad bout of Bud Mud (aka “beer shits”) when all you want to do is lay in your bed until forever never comes. I’ve almost passed out on the toilet while shooting piping hot rectal stew that’s been simmering in my lower digestive system for 10 hours out of my asshole. There’s one common thread though, you will feel incredible once it’s all over. The toxins will no longer be absorbed into your bloodstream and you can go back to bed in peace.

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TheChampionsTour

TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .

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