Can someone get me a translator? This guy is normally so zoned out from pouring over the accounts receivable paperwork that he walks around the office with a blank, dull look on his face. He keeps all communication to short, one word answers, or sometimes, just grunts. It wouldn’t matter regardless; no one is really sure what he’s talking about half the time. He cannot wait for April 15 to end, when he can stop carrying around this burden.
Joffrey Baratheon, The CEO’s Son
Fuck this kid. Seriously, fuck him so much. His dad built this company into the successful (and tolerable) working environment it is today. But the old man has had his share of the grit and grind, and he’s ready to let someone take the reins so he can sit back and relax in retirement. The next in line is his son. Word around the office is that he never finished his MBA and the only “internship” he can claim is the two week cocaine binge he spent partying with Richard Branson. This little shit has an undeserved sense of entitlement, delusions of grandeur, an undiagnosed case of bipolarism, and an unlimited supply of resources. The handful of times he’s actually been to the office, he’s tormented everyone. Michael, the intern, still has a crippling fear of Gorilla Glue after he unknowingly sat on a toilet seat “Joffrey” had covered with the stuff. Work is going to be a living hell.
Cersei Lannister, The CEO’s Right Hand Lady
She’s been the CEO’s closest advisor and confidant since the company started. Everyone assumed that once the bossman retired, she would step into the leading role. She was intimidating, her bitch face was stuff of legend, and she still looked good in those shoulder pads. She had even attempted to mentor the CEO’s son in the ways of the business. Too bad for her that nepotism is still alive and well in corporate America. Once the CEO made his official announcement and named his son the heir apparent, she went berserk. She fired people left and right, and even after the CEO’s son released the memo stating her role would be greatly reduced, her power trip continued. She’s mostly just a figurehead now, but don’t you dare cross her. I heard she poured a cup of hot coffee into the intern Michael’s lap after he used Equal instead of Splenda…poor guy.
Varys, The Office Gossip Whore
This portly fellow spends his days hovering around the water cooler and eavesdropping outside everyone’s offices. He always has the juicy details of sordid coworker behavior and office politics before anyone else does. You’ve never actually seen him do any work, but somehow he’s on a higher pay grade than you are. Chances are he found out about the boss’s late night rendezvous with the entire secretary pool and has been blackmailing him since.
Robb Stark, The Upstart Competition
Last year, he left the company to strike out on his own. He was the hotshot around the business world, gaining investors and capital. He even poached a few high-level employees from your office. The buzz was that he was about to open his own headquarters right next door until your CEO pulled off a hostile takeover. All assets and equipment were sold to the lowest bidder, completing killing this guy’s career.
Theon Greyjoy, The Yes Man
This guy has no backbone and no self-esteem. Formally a financial whiz kid, he came straight out of grad school with big dreams, but a few months in the grinder completely beat him down. He’s just a shell of his former self now.
Sansa Stark, The Gold Digger
She’s only here to find a husband. Not just any husband–she wants a top-level executive who can keep her in the lap of luxury. She made a pass at the CEO’s son a while back, but he goes through women faster than a bottle of vodka at Sterling Cooper & Partners. You kind of feel bad for her, though. The office gossip told you her family situation was pretty tragic.