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6 Way Too Perfect Tumblr Pictures That Won’t Make You Hate Your Own Life

Another installment of my slowly losing my mind via photos I stole from tumblr. Because what better way to combat elevated images you can’t even pretend to aspire to, than by ripping them apart?

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Jessica gazed at the lavish brunch spread that lay before her.
“Aren’t you going to eat that, honey?” asked Brian, for God knows what reason adjusting the Captain’s hat that lay on a jaunty tilt on his forehead.
“No sweetie, I’m quite full” said Jessica, holding her Bloody Mary aloft.
“Suit yourself”, said Brian, snorting a line off their ‘Welcome To Disneyworld’ brochure.

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“The invitation said tennis whites.”
Gladys blankly stared at Theodore. “And I’m wearing them. See?” she said, brandishing a tennis racquet.
“You have issues.” Replied Theodore, shaking his head.
“At least one of them isn’t being a plebian. Up top!” She yelled, but no one met her hand for a high five. In silent disgrace, she slowly withdrew her hand, which she promptly used to crack open a cool, refreshing Coors Light lime.

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“This is just like a fairy tale!” thought Brianne, daintily sipping at her room service macchiato.
The gentleman beside her groaned and clutched his head, trying to keep the room from spinning. He turned to his side, and was visibly surprised to see Brianne there.
“Who are you and how much will it cost to get you to leave?” he moaned.

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“If only we knew what he was dreaming of” wondered David aloud.
“Probably chasing birds” said Sophia, nonchalantly sabering off the top of the champagne bottle she was holding while David filmed the whole thing.
Meanwhile, Rover dreamed of a better world, without owners consumed by narcissistic social media habits that bordered on the obsessive.

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Tobias gazed at the house he had just inherited, fingering the buttons on his navy blazer in disbelief.
“With this piece of real estate comes all of its former responsibilities.” The will had dictated in earnest. “You must dutifully take care of all its inhabitants, even if they are just whores. Whores are people too. Remember, that’s how I met your mother.”

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Gerald set up the finishing touches on the dinner table – “this is it” he thought. “I’m finally going to propose. He waited for the cooling twilight for Sabrina too arrive, in a lace dress and flowers in her hair.
After about an hour and a half of clinking glasses and stimulating conversation, Gerald finally got up the courage, and looked Sabrina in the eyes.
“My love”, he said. “Will you have a threesome with me and this chick I met at the gym?”

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sarahsolfails

Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

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