I’ve been on a crusade as of late to bring back “LOL.” Seriously, I cannot get enough of it. It’s aggressive and feisty and reminds me of something that a sassy soccer mom named Becky would say in a passive aggressive Facebook comment. Like, “Oh, no! Your daughter has lice? Best of luck shaving her head and washing every piece of clothing/linen in your house. At least her school pictures this year will be hilarious!! LOL.” Newsflash: Becky is not laughing with you, she is laughing at you. And that’s why I love “LOL” — because it’s kind of mean. No one uses it because they’re actually laughing. No, no. It is exclusively used in an effort to be a kind of a bitch…without being an in your face HR/PTA violation. “LOL” is the grown-up version of a mean playground insult followed by “just kidding!” And just like that little shit, Bobby Cranton, wasn’t “just kidding!” when he said your bangs made you looked cross-eyed, Becky sure as shit does not think your little girl’s bald head will look cute in the school yearbook.
In my recent attempt to bring back this early 2000s term (that used to just mean “laugh out loud” — you know, without the extra side of bitch), I started thinking about other texting/email acronyms I’d like to have in use.
Used exclusively for best friends, romantic interests, siblings, parents, pizza delivery boys, cab drivers, and primary care physicians, “WYNP” stands for “What’s Your Netflix Password?” The secret to using this term successfully is to treat it like nudes: never give, only receive.
This term comes in handy during meetings, as “IFHMB” means “I Fucking Hate My Boss.” Much like the middle school “POS” or “Parents Over Shoulder” for those of you who weren’t popular, this acronym is best used when you need to openly shit talk your manager without getting caught.
When you’re drowning in student loans and your boss is one bad mood away from firing you, sometimes you don’t have the time or the energy to type out “Happy Hour Tonight?” And, so, you lose what little pride you have, and fire off “HH2N” to every single contact in your phone. Screw it, you’ll take drinking with your mom over drinking alone at this point.
For the romantics of the world, “BCAP” means “Bring Condoms And Pizza.” It will forever change how you treat casual sex — for the best, of course.
“I’m sleeping, shut up” is best reserved for when — you guessed it — you’re sleeping and your roommate will not shut the eff up over on his/her side of the wall. Forgoing the acronym and going with actual words requires effort and punctuation and you, the poor, tired roommate, have no time for such things. Fire off a quick “ISSU” and you’ll be back to a peaceful slumber (and likely spit in your leftovers) in no time.
Sometimes you have no money. And by “no money” I mean that you’re just poor as fuck. Your bank account is in the red, your rent is due next week, and you’ve been living off of Ramen and Easy Mac for the past twenty-two days. Life couldn’t get any worse. Well, that is until someone texts you about weekend plans and you’re reminded that not everyone is one missed day of work away from welfare. Nope, some people your age actually have their shit together — and that sucks. So, instead of replying to their “Thinking dinner at 8 (you know, somewhere nice), then cocktails at the W, and then we’ll just see where the nights takes us. You in?” with a longwinded excuse of how you’ll be out of town because your grandmother’s turtle died, just buck up, be a (wo)man, and let them know the truth with a simple “CTP” known otherwise as “Can’t. Too Poor.” Does it suck to be so brutally honest? Yes. But, hey, at least that asshole won’t bother you again. After all, he doesn’t hang around the struggling types. .
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