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6 Signs You’re About To Get Broken Up With

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Being broken up with sucks. I know. What a radical, groundbreaking opinion. The point is, if you want to protect your ego effectively when a relationship is ending, it helps to know the signs that it’s about to happen. At the very least, it’ll soften the blow. If you read it the right way, and can come to terms with the fact that the relationship isn’t working anymore, then it gives you an opportunity to end it first. It’ll drive them up the wall. Here are few key red flags.

1. You haven’t had sex in a while.

Sex is always the first thing to go when things get rocky. Maybe they’re not rocky. Maybe you’re just boring now. To be fair, doing the same progression of three positions and then falling asleep isn’t exactly gonna light the world on fire. It might not be the reason that they’re about to cut you off as a romantic interest, but it’s certainly contributing.

2. Their friends start ignoring you.

It’s like how the SWAT team will cut the power before storming a building. If someone is about to break up with their significant other, chances are they’ve run the idea past their group of friends to seek counsel on the matter. If they’ve made the decision, their friends are immediately gonna start distancing themselves. Could be for any number of reasons. If they like you, they don’t want to put themselves in a position where you come to them for advice in the aftermath. If they don’t like you, then they’re just finally doing what they’ve wanted to do for however long you’ve been in their lives. Which is to not talk to you at all.

3. They’re getting back in shape.

Maybe they’re doing it for you. Maybe he/she just loves you so much that they just want to look their best. Or, more likely, they see the writing on the wall, and they know that if they’re about to be back in the jellyfish-infested waters of dating, it would probably be best if they knew how to swim.

4. They quit arguing with you.

This sounds like a good thing right? Wrong. You’re fucked. For the most part, the only reason people argue is because they give a shit about the relationship, and want to make it work. Unless they’re just assholes that like to argue, in which case, you should be glad that they’re breaking up with you. It’s the emotional equivalent of the calm before the storm, or the way that parents instinctively know something’s wrong if the house gets quiet. The lack of chaos means that something very, very bad is about to happen. You’ve seen action/horror movies. “It’s quiet. A little too quiet…”

5. They’ve stopped talking about the future.

No, I’m not talking about some nebulous plan for the future like getting married, adopting a pet, etc. I mean actual definitive plans. Concert tickets, wedding dates, vacations. Basically anything that would require both of you to attend, and costs a significant financial investment. If you notice this, try inviting them to something, or surprising them with tickets. You can gauge a lot by their interest. You might even be able to turn the tide with it. If they’re a huge Billy Joel fan, and you score front row tickets, they might completely rethink the whole breakup idea, just so they can go. Hope that relationship is worth it, because those are still pricey as hell.

6. They introduce you to the person they’re boning.

Maybe they asked you if you’d be willing to explore an open relationship and you just weren’t listening, or maybe they’re just straight up leaving you. Either way Karen/Keith is there now, and there’s not a lot you can do about it. As they say on the internet, lawyer/Facebook/gym. Lawyer up, delete Facebook, hit the gym.

Or is it delete your lawyer, hit the Facebook, and gym up? I forget.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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