Last week, the U.S. Olympic Committee named Boston as its choice for the U.S. city to bid for the 2024 Summer Olympics. I’m a born and raised Bostonian, so I believe I reserve the right to express why I believe Boston would make a fantastically subpar city to host the world’s greatest athletes (and those other people from the other countries, if we must).
Kick-Ass Opening Ceremony
Sure, we have a governor and a mayor and all that jazz, but does the rest of America have Robert Kraft or Bill Belichick? I think not. Considering they are the only people who actually matter around here, they will obviously be in charge of the opening ceremony. I think Bill and Bob will go a little more cutting edge than usual. Do you think there’s enough room left on Tom Brady’s résumé to add “ringmaster”? Perhaps there could be reenactments of feel-good scenes from famous Boston movies, such as The Departed, The Town, and The Boondock Saints, or maybe they could include some kind of “dance performance” from Bob’s twenty-something-year-old “girlfriend.” Of course, we totally won’t mention the NFL, NBA, NHL, and MLB championships we’ve won since the turn of the century — we really don’t like to brag.
Boston actually has a pretty decent bar scene, and there is something for everyone: sports bars, hole-in-the-wall bars, high-end bars, gay bars, comedy clubs, dance clubs. In fact, the bars here have just as much a chance of landing you a one-night stand as Tinder does. It practically screams “Olympic Village!” and the best part is, unlike our friends down the road in New York, the bars close at the totally reasonable, early hour of 2 a.m. Since you aren’t here to party, the early close will give you plenty of time to get a good night’s sleep so you’re ready to watch all of the Olympic events. (Or participate in them, as the case may be — looking at you, Michael Phelps.)
Odds are, one of the venues the city would use for Olympic events is Gillette Stadium. If you’ve ever watched a Patriots home game on TV, you’ve noticed that Gillette isn’t actually located in Boston, it’s in Foxboro. If you were curious enough to whip out your phone and google Foxboro, you know that it’s actually a forty-five-minute drive from the city. Totally convenient, right? Particularly since there is one road in and out of the stadium, which means it would probably only take you a quick and painless five hours to get Gillette into sight from a distance on a clear day. Even though it’s been that way for more than forty years, I’m sure they’ll fix it in time for the Olympics.
Awesome Transit System
If visitors to our fair city want the true Boston experience, I’d urge them to attempt driving here. However, natives, even those with a pulse and maybe half a brain cell, can be found making the conscious decision to use city transit when such events take place, and I am sure that visitors would be encouraged to do the same. Now, the transit system can be a little bit confusing, considering the majority of the stops are named for random things that people from out of town have no prayer of understanding (Haymarket? Lechmere? Alewife? NONE OF THOSE ARE ACTUAL PLACES) but I’m sure everyone will be able to figure it out. Also, since this will be in the middle of summer — yes, it does get hot here — and most of the mass transit system only has semi-functioning air conditioning at best, there will be the lovely stench of body odor for everyone to enjoy. Perhaps “identify the stench” can be a new Olympic event?
Possible New Events
Speaking of new events, given Boston’s long and colorful history, the possibilities are endless. Among them: Kennedy Tossing Shot Put, Skeet Shooting with Aaron Hernandez (too soon?), 400m individual medley swimming event done in a pool of clam chowder, a road race along Freedom Trail where all contestants who don’t kill themselves on the cobblestones win, and Jenga with Mitt Romney.
Plenty Of Room For Everyone
Come one, come all! We’d love to squeeze a few million more people into our already hugely congested forty-eight square miles. Never mind that we can barely handle it when two of our universities hold orientation weekend at the same time. In fact, we’ll be so excited that you’re here that we will greet you at our super-inefficient airport with a lobster, some baked beans, and a middle finger or two. I don’t really know where you are going to stay, because we barely have enough hotels to house everyone visiting on a normal day and there isn’t any room to build more, but I guess this means I’ll probably be able to rent out my sofa for a few hundred bucks a night, so I’m good.
But really, if we do get to host the Olympics in my adored hometown, let me know if you’re coming. I’ll be hiding out in the Midwest somewhere while it’s going on, but I’ll tell you all the cool places to go..
Image via Wikipedia Commons