Last February, after several years of Ramen, PBR, and suppressed tears, I was able to scrape up enough cash for a down payment on a condo in town. Over the past year, I had been lucky enough to be renting to a friend of mine to help pay the mortgage. Now that he’s moved out, I have to find a new renter because I don’t want to return to college-style sustenance. I decided to put out an ad on Craigslist to find a new renter and realized that most of the responses seemed repetitive.
1. The Spam-Bot
Hi my name is Candy Creamers I am single fun loving and clean and respectful is the room still available do you have a webcam please contact me from your personal email firstname.lastname@example.org will not reply to craigslist email.
2. The College Student
Hey, man. I was wondering if your room is still available. How close are you to the bars? What’s your policy on overnight guests? Are you able to do a 4 1/2 month lease? I plan on moving out at the end of the semester. Can I pay the first 3 months up front? I don’t have a job yet so I’ll be paying out of my savings. Please call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.
3. The Girl
Hi! I’m interested in your room for rent! I just got a job in the city! I’m totes okay living with a guy, all the guys I know think I’m a bro chick anyways lol! Do you have a puppy? I don’t have one but I don’t mind living with one! Is it ok if my boyfriend stays the night sometimes? And by “sometimes,” I mean literally every fucking night. Please let me know! I look forward to hearing from you! Thanks!
4. The Foreigner
Hello, I am named Abdul Hakeem Olajuwan Mohammed Akeem. I very much am interested in renting your room. I am moving to the America from Marrakech and am very looking forward to seeing your flat. Are you allowing the goats on your the premises?
5. The Divorced Guy
Hey. I am 43 years old and am interested in renting your guest room. I am very clean and respectful. Is there a way we can negotiate on the rent a little bit? I have recently run into some unexpected monthly expenses. What is your policy on children visiting on weekends and hookers visiting on weekdays?
6. The Craigslist Killer
Hi. Can I come see your guest bedroom tonight around 1 am?