When you’re single, you go out on dates. I’ve been single for the majority of my life, so I’ve been on a lot of dates. I started internet dating last fall. It was very weird and unappealing at first. I thought it was pathetic, but then I thought “Wait, I’m looking for pathetic lonely chicks anyway, this makes perfect sense!” Plus, I’m pretty drunk when I meet most girls I ask out in the real world, so it’s basically a blind date anyway. Some people hate the idea of going on dates with strangers. I embrace it. I have a few drinks before the date, and get to be a used car salesman for a few hours. But instead of cars, I’m selling myself and my mediocre penis. Thank god there isn’t a dating equivalent to Carfax.
Through my experiences, I have come to realize there are basically 6 types of girls in the dating world. There are exceptions to every rule, I understand that, but when you venture past the computer or the barstool and actually interact with these girls on a more intimate level, you’re usually getting one of these.
1. The Perpetual Bridesmaid
This girl is a little more elusive. You won’t find her out at a bar on Friday night. She left happy hour after two wine spritzers to go home and write out her first name in cursive, followed by the last name of the last guy she made out with, while simultaneously constructing a saved email draft to her family entitled “I’ve met someone.” But you can bet your last bit coin she’s on an internet dating site. (You don’t need bit coins anyway, you’re just gonna blow them on a hooker from Backpage.com or a platinum Brazzers membership.) All she wants to do is get married. I can usually weed these women out because of their profiles that just reek of desperation. But, they slip through occasionally. You can say anything you want to these girls, and if there is a glimmer of a possible relationship, they’ll agree. “You know, I was thinking Chris Brown would make a great marriage counselor.” Some guys can be tricked by these girls, because they are very nice, and willing to do pretty much anything for you. I’d even recommend sleeping with them if you get the chance. But be forewarned, wear a condom. Not that she has STDs, but her birth control has more dust on it than a pay phone. Once she’s yours, she’ll lock you down like Bradley Manning.
2. The Divorcee
She doesn’t necessarily have to be divorced, but to qualify in this category, she has to have been in at least a 5-year relationship that ended within the past 6-12 months. She’s spent the past 5-10 years of her life banging a dude wearing socks in the missionary position with the lights off, on Wednesdays only. He also most likely gained about 30 pounds after his collegiate lacrosse career didn’t pan out. This girl will tell you “I want to get out there and have fun, I don’t want a relationship!” She wants to relive her twenties, and regrets dating the first guy she met with a lacrosse mullet and a Volvo. These girls are awesome, they’re fun, they like getting trashed and having meaningless sex. They’re diamonds in the rough, but be careful. If you’re into relationships, you’re not getting one out of her. She wants to get weird, and will most likely continue her pursuit of “happiness” well into her mid-thirties. That is, of course, until she hits rock bottom in an S&M gangbang in a Ford Fiesta behind Jo-Ann fabrics.
3. The Party Girl
Much like the divorcee, she is out to have a good time. But unlike the divorcee, this good time has been going on since she was 16 and it isn’t a “good time” good time, it’s an intervention-worthy problem. She will show up to the date plastered, possibly with some sort of residue around her nose, and a need to “turn the fucking music up” in an otherwise quiet bar. If it wasn’t for her dad paying her way through an exclusive private college, she would be trying to wash your windows for change on your way to work. But due to her privileged upbringing and knack for functional alcoholism, she has been able to maintain her lifestyle with a decent job. You will definitely get laid. She hasn’t had inhibitions since the Clinton presidency. But halfway through said coitus, you may catch yourself thinking “Nice, I finally gave a girl and orgasm, and she’s a squirter, hell yeah!” Wrong. She passed out 15 minutes ago, and peed herself. I’m pretty sure the sex became nonconsensual in about 47 states fourteen-and-a-half minutes ago, so get the fuck out.
4. The Label Whore AKA The Gold Digger
This girl is a 10. Her hobbies include eating caviar in helicopters, getting bottle service, and doing blow off of a diamond encrusted plate in Ibiza. She would most likely would never go out with me, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut from time to time. Now, my appearance may fool most. I dress like a yacht captain who crashed into a Derby Day party at a frat house. But she and I both know that I got my wardrobe from the clearance sale at Vineyard Vines, so this date never goes too far. But what I have learned from these girls is they want the world. They have dreams of Fiji water pouring from their faucets, and children named Shaston and Skylar. That isn’t my style, or in my budget. But that’s fine with me, because a couple years into the marriage, your husband will be texting dick pics to his male intern, and all the Xanax and pinot in the world won’t save you from your shallow life.
5. The Starving Artist
Fresh off a bra burning at an Occupy Wall Street protest (those are still going on, right?), these girls are the rubix cube of dating. I tend to go for these girls quite often. They have a cute “girl next door” look, like good music and good beer, but they have their flaws as well. First of all, they are way too liberal. I understand flying in on a bio diesel fueled helicopter to drop food stamps on a flock of endangered seals seems like a great idea, but it’s not. Secondly, they hate the way I dress. I once was told “for dressing like such a douche, you’re a pretty cool guy.” More importantly, not everyone feels comfortable wearing clothes peeled off my dead grandmother and sold at Goodwill. Sure it’s ironic, but the real irony is that you’re willing to spend your meager TA salary on someone else’s garbage. Lastly, they are hypocrites. Supposedly, it’s all about an organic, eco-friendly lifestyle. Newsflash sister, charging your iPhone and other Mac gadgets so you can Instagram a pile of twigs, or post pics of your pork belly lunch, wastes a ton of energy.
6. The Professional
I’ll give this girl some credit, she has spent her youth studying and working hard to achieve professional greatness. Hats off to you, girl. The funny part about it all, is that you now want to settle down with a husband and pop out kids. Why the hell did you waste 10 years in college and graduate programs in order to quit working and become a housewife? That seems about as logical as hiring Casey Anthony as a babysitter. The worst part about this date is the condescending attitude they give you. “Oh you’re in sales…pfff.” First of all, that sales job is paying for the $10 vodka tonic you ordered, and more importantly, Google “glass ceiling” right now, and we’ll both have a good laugh.
Despite all of this. I encourage you all to get out there and have fun, it’s a wild world, and it’s time to get weird in it.