So you had a baby. Congratulations on not being a virgin.
The past weeks, months or years have probably been a whirlwind of unsolicited advice, phony well-wishers, and myriad people telling you what a miracle a baby is. That may be true. However there is one thing that is most assuredly more true: Mommy and Daddy need a drink.
If you’re reading this website, I can assume you like your booze. Maybe you drink every night. Maybe you justify your poor financial and health-related decisions by confining it to weekends. But now that you have a kid, your inebriation habits need to change.
I’m not saying you need to drink less, there’s just a giant extenuating circumstance that requires constant attention and a veneer of lucidity. Your drinking just needs to change. So buckle up and follow these tips, you’ll be drinking like a dad in no time.
1. Have an exit plan
Your new priority in life is keeping that baby alive. Babies can be fickle and are too dumb to save their own lives, so you should proceed in any drinking endeavor with a measure of caution. You might have to get somewhere at a moment’s notice, and taking an Uber to the hospital is just bad form.
THEREFORE, you or your significant other should stay below your state’s legal driving BAC. If mom and dad are both plastered, then an incoherent argument is more likely to arise than a working solution.
2. Day drinking is your new best friend
Sad to say, but your days of shutting down a bar at last call and then puking in the Taco Cabana drive-thru are for the most part over. Babies hate two things: Your sleep and their own sleep. So remember when you’re ordering a mind eraser at 1:55 a.m. that you’ll probably have to be taking care of business in about 20 minutes. Not only that, but babies wake up early. Real early. Do you like watching the first English Premier League games on Saturday mornings? Good, your baby will make you be up that early, because he/she is a jackass.
Just get drunk earlier. You can have a solid 10 hour drinking session, just start at noon. Or like 9am, whatever. Hit up a brunch spot, go home and change your kid’s diaper, then head to your favorite patio for a nice afternoon of drinking and parenting. Your friends will be impressed that you’re out at all. The waitress’s ovaries will explode and she’ll be super accommodating to your whole table. You’ll get a nice load on and still get a decent night’s rest.
3. Start playing golf
You can substitute pretty much any outdoor hobby here, but golf is most conducive to your burgeoning alcohol habit. You’re also going to be too tired to mountain bike 50 miles, and besides, mountain biking shakes up your beer. Golf on the other hand is barely even a sport in the sense of athletic activities. Drinking is accepted – nay, encouraged on the golf course. You drive around in a little cart, drink as much as possible, whack at a ball from time to time. I just described all four hours of your golf outing. And really the only difference between a golfer on his fifth bloody mary and a hobo chugging turpentine in the woods is their appearance. Functionally, both are just trying to get a hassle-free buzz while enjoying nature.
4. Maximize your resources
You don’t have enough time to run through an 18 pack of Keystone anymore. Some days you’ll be lucky to get 5, 6 drinks max. So you gotta up the ABV level of your weapon(s) of choice. Plus you’re a mom or dad now – time to class the joint up. Figure out what kind of wine you like and start guzzling. Stop mixing your hard alcohol with sugary bullshit and start drinking it on the rocks. Another easy step is to stop buying watered-down macros. Check out a sixpack of any local microbrewery and you’ll find that some of them are borderline malt liquor. If CPS shows up, your recycling bin full of Schlitz cans will be exhibit A in why they took your kids away. Which leads me to:
4(a). Buy a Growler
Seriously, people are judging your garbage. What better way to cast them off your scent than to eliminate waste and get a reusable receptacle. This will also help you in your quest for higher ABV drinks, as any growler filler worth their hipster beard oils will have some high quality shit on tap that you might not be able to get in cans or bottles.
5. Start to enjoy your commute*
You probably spend at least half an hour in the car getting to/from work. This will now be your only solace in the entire day. Take advantage of it. I’m not advocating drunk driving, but a roadie on your way home seems like exactly what you need, mom-or-dad-of-the-year. So get a solo cup and crank up the tunes, because it’s back to reality as soon as you get home.
*Don’t do this if you have priors
6. Pocket Rockets
You can’t rightly expect to be pounding a 24 oz beer in your car and keep driving past that motorcycle cop. They see everything. What you need is something more discreet, like any liquor bottle that’s smaller than a fifth. A 250ml or even those little airplane bottles are just what the doctor ordered (if your doctor is a Civil War-era surgeon). And here’s the best part: their uses are the closest thing we have to quantifying infinity. Shitty drive home? 250ml of vodka and a cherry limeade from Sonic. Get a couple of hours to go see a movie? Why yes, I WOULD like to get the larger size fountain drink. Sno-Cone stand? One BroCone coming up. Let your imagination run free. Your drunken, shriveled, hopeless imagination.
So there you go. The party doesn’t end when you become a parent, it just shifts. And as long as that little tax dependent keeps breathing, nobody will find fault in your loutishness, because you’re obviously capable of keeping something besides yourself healthy..
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