Assuming you’re still wasting your days browsing the endless abyss that is Facebook, it’s now time to purge. Yes, I know there’s that “hide in news feed” feature thing, but I’m personally too lazy to do it and it seems like a lot of work to hide the amount of people I truly don’t care about on my friends list. I’ve found use for that feature only once, and that was for my ex-boyfriend, because I don’t want to see his shit but I definitely want him to see how great my life seems. Is that weird? No. No, it’s not. Anyway, it’s definitely time to permanently delete the following people from FB in post grad life.
1. Old professors, counselors, internship coordinators, TA’s or other school-related faculty or authority members.
I never understood why people were Facebook friends with these types of frightening people in the first place, but if you were one of these ass kissers then they GOTS TA GO. This is what LinkedIn is for. It’s time to move on.
2. Past group project members.
You know you were only friends with them so they could pester you in one of those awful Facebook groups anyway. Everyone was nice enough at first. You’d post something and everyone would like it and talk about how great your idea was. You were cordial, and maybe even friends. But then, the deadline started quickly approaching. Of course, YOU did the entire project, but some other bitch wanted to take credit so she sent out passive aggressive messages to everyone and got all dictator status. Meanwhile, the rest of the group didn’t do a SINGLE THING except complain the entire time and make up excuses why they couldn’t do anything like their car broke down or something. Yeah, fuck those people. Delete.
3. Previous hookup buddies or unhealthy relationships.
As I mentioned previously, I did use that “hide” feature on my ex. However, it’s not always the greatest idea. After you stay friends with an ex from high school for around six years and then randomly creep on them and see a pic of their pregnant girlfriend’s naked belly… you’ll know what I mean. Wipe the slate clean and click “unfriend.”
4. People’s pets.
I don’t know why this was a thing, but if you’re still friends with your old roommate’s guinea pig or bestie’s dog or some other random animal, just stop. Unfriend.
5. Your uncle/cousin/grandma that goes on political/racist/embarrassing rants.
Why some of the older generations feel they get to use Facebook as their own personal ranting site is beyond me. YOU’RE RUINING IT FOR THE REST OF US. Teach them a little mini lesson and just take them off your friends list. They will definitely know you deleted them because they only have 35 friends to begin with, but that’s the fun part. They will probably call your mom after they find out and be really upset though, so watch out for that.
6. Any of your peers with a better job/more successful life.
Serious moment… one of the biggest problems with our generation is that we constantly look at other people’s social profiles and compare ourselves to them. Then we get depressed because we think our lives are horrible and depressing and Ashley Q’s life is so much better because she gets to travel and works from home. NEWS FLASH – people only post the most awesome parts of their life on social media (unless they’re crazy or wanting sympathy in which case… delete them). Ashley Q is actually really sad, makes less money than you and only gets to travel to North Dakota. She just doesn’t want you to know that, so she only uploads photos of her drinking Starbucks in the airport and taking her dog on walks. Delete unhappiness from your life. Delete Ashley Q.
Time to take out the trash.