I’m not gay. I know because one time I watched a bunch of gay porn to make sure I wasn’t missing out on a whole other world of sexual options, but nothing made the bell go off. I’ve also kissed other dudes in plays where I’ve played a homosexual man. No bueno. No bueno at all.
That being said, here are some dudes I’d probably bone.
1. TOM HARDY
I mean, he’s pretty awesome in just about everything. “Bronson,” “Lawless,” “The Dark Night Rises” and “Warrior.” (swoon) Fucking WARRIOR, man. What a ripped up badass piece of man meat. I’d say, it makes you MORE gay to NOT want to bone Tom Hardy after seeing Warrior.
2. LIEV SCHREIBER
Ray Donovan? Big fan. But that’s not what seals the deal. It’s his voice over work for almost every HBO sports documentary. And there aren’t many things I like in this world more than HBO sports documentaries. I’d probably toss Liev a blowy as long as he’d narrate it.
3. MICHAEL JORDAN
First of all, he’s Michael Goddamn Jeffrey Jordan and he’s earned it. But most importantly, you’d automatically have the best story to tell at any party for the rest of your life. “Oh really, you shit your pants when you went bungee jumping? Pretty funny. Did I ever tell you about the time I sucked Michael Jordan’s dick? Everyone, come gather ‘round…”
4. GEORGE CLOONEY
When it comes to Brad Pitt or George Clooney, I’m a Clooney man all the way. Yes, I cried watching “Moneyball” on a flight from Montreal to Los Angeles, but that was after a mighty five-day bender on multiple substances and there’s nothing like the combination of airplane scotch, lack of sleep, a brutal hangover, and “Moneyball” to really get the waterworks going.
But Clooney is just so dashing. If you boned him, you might become buddies. Where Clooney goes, babes follow. Like, premium babes. Thusly, if you boned George Clooney, you’re bound to get some top shelf action you wouldn’t have been able to get on your own. Ever. It’s really a sound sexual investment to get busy with George for all the smokeshow babe opportunities.
5. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON
That smile. Those kind eyes. The body. It’s the kind of charisma that makes you the #1 box office earner for 2013, and gets a straight dude to give you a sexual Rock Bottom. Plus, he seems to have such a positive attitude that The Rock would probably boost your self-esteem with compliments and encouragement if you gave your best effort. Also, he’d do that tongue thing on your balls. If you smell. What The Rock. Is cookin’.
6. CARRIE BRADSHAW FROM SEX AND THE CITY
I’ll admit, I’ve watched every episode of “Sex and the City,” and whoever the dude is that plays that Carrie chick is kinda hot sometimes. Most times, not so much. But sometimes, he looks really good if the lighting is right.
*Honorable mentions: Timothy Olyphant and Justin Theroux. Hotchie motchie.