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50 Step Guide To Sending Out The Vibe At A Bar

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  1. Deep breath. Gameface time.
  2. ABC. Always. Be. Closing.
  3. Should I really be going out on a weeknight?
  4. Too late now.
  5. I’ll cut myself off after two rounds.
  6. Ok, three.
  7. Fine, four.
  8. Better save the taxi number in my phone.
  9. Young crowd tonight.
  10. Am I too old to be here?
  11. House music is never a good sign.
  12. Starting to think I’m overdressed.
  13. Not liking how these jeans scream “dad.”
  14. Stop it. Clothes don’t matter.
  15. Chest out. Back straight.
  16. It’s all about making eye contact.
  17. Not that much eye contact.
  18. Hmm. They’re cute.
  19. You smiling at me?
  20. Oh. Nevermind.
  21. Wait, yes you are.
  22. Should I smile back?
  23. Ignore?
  24. Gonna stick with the friendly nod.
  25. Oh, you were smiling at someone else.
  26. This was way easier in college.
  27. Can’t rely on a-hole mode forever.
  28. Get out of your head already.
  29. 1:00am. Friends have disappeared.
  30. Maybe the bar across the street is more your scene.
  31. No. Stay the course.
  32. If you look like you’re having a good time, you’ll actually have a good time.
  33. Do people still buy drinks for strangers?
  34. Nah. Seems kind of try-hardish.
  35. Got a good buzz. Time to do one lap around the bar. Start scoping prospects.
  36. That accomplished nothing. Neither did the subsequent three laps.
  37. Screw it. Time to pull up a seat and enter solo drink mode.
  38. It’s already last call?
  39. Okay. Compose yourself.
  40. What’s there to lose in going up to the best looking person in this bar?
  41. K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid.
  42. Go time. Get in, get digits, get out. Here we go.
  43. And…we have ignition.
  44. Keeping a straight face while saying something funny is a lost art.
  45. C’mon. Almost there.
  46. Please God, let my phone still have battery.
  47. Stay cool.
  48. Boom.
  49. That was nothing.
  50. You still got it. Didn’t even sweat it.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell makes jokes to hide the fact that he's upset, because that's what children of divorce do.

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