As someone who walks upwards of 30 New York City blocks a day, I have come across my fair share of obnoxiously slow people, leaving me to wonder “Do you really not have anywhere to go?” I walk at a midtown pace, which I have recently discovered is not a pace known by all. I have timed and studied my walk to and from the train in a way that John Brenkus of Sport Science would respect. I bob, weave, and jaywalk to make it from point A to point B in the shortest time possible, but as I walked to work today, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if some of these people had their own lane. What if there were two sidewalks separating people who have shit to do and people who just walk around and snap building shots on their iPhones to post for their 71 Instagram followers? For all my fellow walkers, here are the 5 worst people that you can be stuck behind.
The Short Guy
I am by no means an exceptionally tall man, but short people really grind my gears. Their legs just can’t stride the same length, so even when they’re trying their hardest, they are slowing me down. The other issue I have with the vertically impaired is that they always look like they’re moving so much faster than they are. When you’re planning out three to four moves ahead of time, they throw off your plan with their quick appearance. By the time you realize what’s happening, you either have to slow your pace or risk getting hit by that bus.
The Technology User
In all honesty, can you not wait until you get to the bright orange hand? If you’re going to text, move the fuck over, because there are people who have places to go and people to see. The guy you met at the bar last night is not texting you because he’s in love with you, he’s texting you because he wants to see you naked. He can’t even remember what you look like. Sorry for being harsh, but you’re in my way, lady. I must also note that I once walked behind a guy carrying a portable DVD player. Are you the man for still having a portable DVD player? Hell yes, you’re a legend. Do I wish you would realize how inappropriate it is to use that whilst walking? Absolutely.
Yes, this is an outstanding city. Yes, the buildings are big. Yes, the cabs are monochromatic yellow. Yes, you’re in my way. Your time would be better spent in Times Square. I understand that you are going to Central Park, and that you probably don’t understand that walking down Madison Avenue right now is obnoxious to all of these corporate Americans, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re in my way. Quit looking up and focus on getting where you’re going, or pick a different time to do it.
The Fat Guy
This is obvious, but the reasoning is a little different than you may think. As a larger than average American, I am proud of you for walking, and I’m more than happy to take a few seconds out of my day to let you get your fitness on. The issue is when this large human is stuffing his face with a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and slurping a Red Bull, as if he is trying to die on this street corner. I know you can’t eat and walk, so why are you trying? I didn’t like red light-green light in middle school, and I don’t like playing it while staring at your size 48-inch waisted pleated khakis. Move.
The Wannabe Photographer
It’s bad enough that I don’t know when you’re taking a picture, but you don’t even know when you’re going to take a picture. So while I’m back here scoping out a route while Kanye tells me that he is, indeed, a god, you’re unknowingly fucking me up. Also, you don’t even have a good camera. I know Ashton Kutcher sold it to you in a commercial, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good camera. So when I walk through your digital picture, don’t scowl at me like I just ruined a masterpiece.
The worst part about these individuals is that they make me mad before I even get into work. I actually enjoy my job, but nobody needs to walk into work pissed off. So if you’re not working in Midtown, or the business district of any town, don’t walk around like a buffoon while people are trying to get to work. Those streets are open all day, plan accordingly.