Ever since you popped out of your mom, your parents decided they know what’s best for you and have tried to guide you through life as best they can. As soon as you get that fancy piece of paper from your university, the countdown starts, and mom and dad develop a laser-like focus on you getting your life together and finding a girlfriend (or boyfriend), probably because they are getting interrogated by your grandparents about whether you are gay, a scoundrel, or if you ever plan on getting married and procreating. Don’t forget, the cultural norm for your grandparents’ generation was having a ring and kids starting elementary school by your age. It’s because of this that your parents start throwing out ideas, when you happen to be single, on how you can meet someone.
1. Mixers And Meeting Groups
Apparently there are “singles groups” out there that schedule play dates for adults at bars or dance clubs. And they don’t even have anyone to change your diaper. But the people who changed your diapers long ago will suggest you attend one of these postgrad proms in hopes that you will start chatting up your future husband or wife. To your parents, single after college is synonymous with “desperate.” What is the real difference between a “singles” mixer and just going to a bar or club anyway? Just for the guarantee that everyone else there is single? Or at least pretending to be? I’ll take my chances at the bars, thank you very much.
2. Speed Dating
If you’re unfamiliar with this concept, it’s basically where some kind of social event organizer herds a group of lonely single people into a room, or bar, or whatever, and you get a handful of minutes to talk to a member of the opposite sex before moving on to the next one. The speed date is finished once you’ve spoken to every member of the opposite sex. It’s what a mixer would be like in Hell. This was the first thing my mom suggested to me when I graduated. She said she heard it was fun. I think I’d be eating my own face after the first three people. Hearing the same life story over and over would be torturous, and if you meet someone you actually find interesting, you have to move on to the next person after your permitted time allowance. Equal time for each person. That’s right, folks, speed dating is communist and un-American.
3. Introducing You To A Friend Of A Friend’s Offspring
Sometimes you mom or dad want to take your relationship status into their own hands by subtly arranging for you to meet with the offspring of someone they know and trust (or have something from whom to gain). The classic cliche for your dad is, of course, a business associate. Ladies, your dad’s business partner’s son was a blank major at blank and is pursuing a graduate degree at blank, wears a well-tailored suit, but he’s uglier than the seven deadly sins. Maybe you should marry him without thinking twice. Moms are almost as bad. Her best friend’s friend, who seems nice, has a daughter who is (always) pretty, nice, sweet, etc. At least, that’s how your mom sells her. We guys finally meet the girl and she’s plain, somber, and, after a short conversation, most likely heavily medicated. Thanks for the hookup, Mom.
4. Arbitrarily Winging For You At Awkward Moments
This is a mom thing all the way. You’re out with her having lunch or shopping or whatever, and she arbitrarily mentions to the waiter, waitress, attractive family at the table next to you, random well-dressed guy, or pretty female bartender that you are, in fact, single. Your mortification is the least of her concern as pimps you out to whomever catches her eye. I mean, you can’t fault her pride, but no one likes to be marketed like a fresh fish in Agrabah. Sorry Mom, but if she was that attractive, I’d approach her myself. Thanks, but no thanks.
5. Dating Websites
There are few date-finding methods as unspeakable as dating website. Not a casual dine and dash “dating” app like Tinder, I’m talking more along the lines of match.com and eHarmony. The thought of getting one of those accounts makes you cringe at the scent of desperation, but guess what mom and dad got you for Christmas? That’s right! A dating website account! You must not have been able to afford an account, right? Yeah, that’s it! It had nothing to do with the fact that women don’t want to tell their kids someday that they met daddy on a dating website or guys want to brag to their bros about this hot girl they’re talking to on a dating website. Maybe I’m a little prideful, but come on, parents. Buying us a dating website account is hands down the most thoughtful YET the worst present ever. I appreciate the thought, and thank you for reminding me that no, I am not married yet and will be raising children well into my retirement.