What happened to you? Maybe nobody has the heart to ask, but I promise they’re thinking it. It wasn’t that long ago that you were tossing zingers out at the bar like they were 2 dollar wells, and now you’re watching The Office Season 2 on Netflix for the fourth time. It’s Saturday night, and while I generally applaud anyone that recognizes the greatness of the first 4 or 5 seasons of that show, you should be out mixing it up. You used to have edge, like early-to-mid nineties Dennis Rodman edge, before he randomly ended up on the Mavericks and was crashing in Mark Cuban’s guest house. By that point, Rodman had lost it, but it’s not too late for you. You can turn this thing around.
1. Shock The World By Randomly Showing Up And Maxing Out At The Bar
You’re an afterthought. Nobody bothers texting you anymore because they know you’re either going to A.) Ignore it, or B.) Say that you might meet up later, when in reality you have no intention on doing so. Get back in the game. Bust through those bar doors like Stone Cold driving a beer truck down to the ring on Monday Night Raw. Nobody saw that coming. Your friends won’t either. Remember that feeling you got when you heard the glass break, and The Rattlesnake came charging out of the tunnel talking shit in camouflage and jorts? That’s you, minus the glass breaking and denim shorts. Your buddies will crap their pants when they see you focused and determined to give it hell. Order a round, because you’re not playing games.
Clear eyes, full heart, here to booze.
2. Start Lifting Heavy Weights With Really Low Reps
I’m talking about 5 sets of 2 on deadlift. This should be sufficient to give your body a rush of testosterone that’ll have you back onboard the edge train. If you’re training for a 5k, stop everything that you’re doing right now and start lifting absurdly heavy weights. Even if you don’t have a gym membership, and you take pride in the fact that you don’t workout, picking up heavy shit off the ground is a great way to get that edge back. Before you know it, people will start telling you that you smell like testosterone as you walk around with a full fledged erection all day. #EDGE
3. Have Pantera Ready To Go At All Times
“Wait, I don’t listen to metal!” is what you’re probably thinking. Well, I guess it’s time to change that then, isn’t it? I’m not saying you have to get real deep into it, but I am saying that you need Cowboys From Hell on every playlist just in case you start to fall off the edge wagon. Earlier today I dropped 20 bucks on a baby gift for a coworker I barely even know. Awful. Rather than get bummed about it, I just came back to my desk and let Dimebag (RIP) melt my face off with a solo. Trust me on this. You’ll be firing out texts at 10am, looking for someone to scare up some tail with after work. Edge so hard.
4. Go Talk To That Table Full Of Babes By Yourself
There was a time, not that long ago, when you could approach a girl at a bar and not completely vomit verbal stomach acid and fail miserably. Remember that? You had a respectable head of hair and you were borderline obnoxious. Now? Well, now you’ve got a somewhat decent head of hair, and you don’t get out enough to be considered obnoxious. It’s time to shock your system. When you finally get back out in the social scene, find a table full of girls that are way out of your league, and approach. It’s baptism by fire. The thought of doing something like this is probably giving you a full blown panic attack, but it never ends up being as bad as you think. If you bomb, so what? At a minimum, you’ve shown yourself that you can get back in the game and swing that bat. Edge restored.
5. Drink Whiskey And Water
It’s all about perception. The other night I met up with an old college pal while he was in town for work. It was great to see him, other than the fact that I watched him drink miscellaneous IPA after miscellaneous IPA. When he finally made “the switch,” he ordered a Jack and Diet Coke. It took everything in my power to not flip the table and walk the fuck out of there. I used to watch this guy put back Kentucky Deluxe like it was water, and now he’s mixing with Diet Coke. The guy had clearly lost his edge. I made sure to order the next round for both of us – Woodford and water – so he could no longer demean himself in public. I basically saved his life. Whiskey burns, but when you see someone drinking it properly, you know they’re about to drop the Edgehammer.
There you have it, you guys. Those are proven, surefire ways to bust out of your mid-to-late-twenties blues. I recommend trying each of these one-by-one until you find a combination that’s right for you. .