Fall is a glorious time. The leaves are changing colors, the lattes are pumpkin-ed and spiced, and — of course — football season is in full swing.
What could be better than an excuse to eat wings all day while watching men frolic around in spandex? Nothing! But, some people are crazier than most about football (I’m looking at you, guy who posts three football-oriented facebook statuses a day) and as a result, they morph into different versions of themselves come September. This can be especially difficult for the girlfriends of the americas (GOTA, for short) as they watch their doting, sweet boyfriends turn into nacho-cheese dickholes every Thursday night/Saturday/Sunday/Monday night. So, as your trusty advisor (you need a new trusty advisor, by the way) I am here to help you navigate these sure-to-be tricky times ahead.
Here are five ways to deal with your boyfriend during football season:
1. Evacuate the premises.
You don’t have to do this every Sunday, buuuut every so often, let your guy have a “boy’s day.” If the games are also important to you, go watch football with your girlfriends! This middle-school dance approach will work wonders for your relationship as it provides some healthy time away from one another. If you don’t really like football, even better! Go hang out with your gals and get drinks/talk about the boy bands of your youth/reminisce about college. Because let’s face it, it’s easy to be in a relationship and forget about how important your girlfriends are to your soul (hint: they are very important!) so use these fall and winter months to reconnect with your true soulmates, your ladies. You and your dude will come together late Sunday night and high-five to your healthy-ass relationship.
2. Replace him with Google.
“Wait, who is #17? Why are they running the ball? Why isn’t Eric Decker on this team? What are those big yellow posts for? What is the green stuff below their feet?” If you have a question — even just one question –about the football game, do. not. ask. it. God forbid you ask one well-meaning question about the sport, you will make your man’s friends question why he ever thought it was okay to bring you to Chad’s man cave! So, pull out your smartphone and just Google all of your questions (bonus points if you know what’s going on but it’s totally okay if you don’t) and sit there in total silence. Thanks for saving our relationships, internet!
3. Plan cute things for the weekdays.
No, he’s not going to be super excited to go apple picking with you at 2 p.m. on a Sunday. Hopefully you don’t date a guy who loves college football too (albeit, many of them do) because that means Saturdays are also a bust. So, do something fun on a Wednesday night (how spontaneous of you two!). Make cute-dinner on a Monday, grab a drink on a Tuesday, see a movie on a Friday, you get the drill. Just don’t forget to reserve Thursday night for Shonda Rhimes, your priorities matter too.
4. Start working out while his eyes remain forever glued to the TV.
Picture this. Every Saturday and Sunday while he becomes one with the couch, you become one with the treadmill. A few months and a few playoff games later, you re-emerge in a cloud of glitter with a chiseled washboard stomach and Brazilian booty. He, on the other hand, looks like a soggy taco because he’s been burning -5 calories/weekend and taking in an obscene amount of cals thanks to all of that beer and the months of game day grubbing. Naturally, you leave him for John Stamos. The two of you ride away on a white horse named Stan into the sunset. You make John the Grecian babies he’s always wanted but never thought he would have. The kids have his olive skin and your light eyes. Or, you could skip the gym — I don’t know, totally your call.
5. Accept that this will never end.
Don’t think that this will be over in October. Please don’t get your hopes up for November. No, don’t expect him to be free come December. And for the love of Dick Butkus, don’t even look at him during January. Here’s the good news: the football season will be over come February — right in time for your man to make up for his months and months of negligence with drugstore chocolate and an oversized teddy bear on Valentine’s Day!
Welcome, fall! Please stay for as long as you can. Nobody likes you, wintertime — nobody. .
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