Let me just rant on this for a second. I’m not bone thin- I never have been. I was an athlete in school and that helped maintain my weight a little, but I’ve never been the lucky I-can-eat-a-whole-cow-and-lose-5-pounds type. That being said, I really do try to work at it! I Pinterest the shit out of healthy food options to spice up a bland menu. I count calories and points and whatever the hell else I need to make sure I don’t go over my intake for the week. I actively go to the gym as much as possible, and I try to be active on the weekends. I TRY okay? So forgive me for going off when food is shamelessly strewn in front of me, like a cheap stripper.
Especially for those of us with the asshat friends, family and coworkers who insist on taking delicious, delectable chocolately-buttery-rich foods and SHOVING THEM IN OUR FACES. (I may be a tad bitter.)
That said, here are some things we, the dieting community, need the rest of you SOBs to stop doing, effective immediately:
1. Happy Hour Invites.
We feel bad saying no. We love drinking beer and eating cheese and reminiscing about that one time in college with that weird dude with a beard as much as the next person, but we literally cannot diet and do this at the same time. They know I have limited will power when it comes to drink specials and custom cocktails. Maybe we can do something else. Let’s go to yoga?
2. Asking Me To Go Out For Lunch
YES, I brought a salad for the millionth time. YES, I am aware I could turn orange from eating this many carrots. YES, I would rather be drinking margs at lunch and writing emails in a tipsy haze for the rest of the day! But my waistline would hate me, so STOP ASKING. Please just let me sit here alone while I enjoy the highly average leftover chicken parm from last night.
3. The Office Cake Celebrations
Fuck your cake. Fuck your birthday. Fuck the constant temptation to shove my face in the box and lick the chocolately coating until I pass-out. No, that is not frosting on my lips.
4. The Wasted Weekends
I know we’re young, and we still feel the need to live life to the fullest and all that jazz, but WHEN did this become an excuse to get obliterated every Saturday? There’s absolutely no chance of me staying loyal to healthy eating if I’m hungover. I will eat all of the chicken strips. Let’s stay in. Watch some Netflix. Play with the cat. Guys? GUYS?
5. Talking Me Out Of Going To The Gym
I don’t like going — I’ll admit it. I would rather do anything else IN the world and dammit if you don’t give me an excuse to. OF COURSE I would rather shop, see a movie, play a game, meet up with friends and literally sit here and braid each other’s hair if it meant I could justify skipping my workout, okay? But that doesn’t mean I should. Please stop tempting me.
I feel if we all follow these guidelines, the world will be a better (and if I’m lucky, smaller) place. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you and want to be around you 24/7. It means I want to improve my own physical and mental state so I can be a better person for MYSELF. I promise to make it up to you with tons of new clothes, shopping trips, and spin classes.
Maybe even a skinny margarita if we’re feeling crazy..
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