Nothing has made municipal cab monopolies shit their pants quite like Uber. Uber started out as an affordable, premium mobile app, where the user could request a black town car for $5 or $10 more than a regular cab. If you used Uber, you could arrive in style, complete with a well-dressed driver and a drink in your hand (all black Uber cars have a limousine designation). After gaining popularity, Uber added SUVs so it could cater to bigger groups. Eventually, the company released uberX, where anyone with a relatively nice, new car and a clean background could use his or her personal car and earn money as a cab driver. Uber is more reliable than any cab company I’ve encountered, and I use it whenever I go out.
Now that Uber is causing a big stir in the standard cab and luxury ride markets, I believe it should start offering new premium services to gratify the unique desires of its devoted customers.
1. Armed Escort
In a power move to top all power moves, arrive to your night on the town like a third world dictator or a Pablo Escobar-esque Colombian drug lord. Your armored, black Uber town car will be escorted by two armored, black SUVs with mounted machine guns carrying Sudanese mercenaries with AK-47s. When you arrive at your destination, the mercenaries will stand at attention outside your door and salute you as you drunkenly stumble into the venue. While it will certainly be extremely expensive, there is not a bigger dick-swinging entrance than this–aside from touching down in an Apache death chopper.
Now that weed has been fully legalized in Washington and Colorado, the need for reliable transportation to fast food joints and restaurants is bigger than ever. uber420 will be the premier service for pot smokers. There will be a divider between the driver and the passenger, allowing the customers to hot box in the back seats while listening to Jerry Garcia and playing Mario Kart on a personal TV. The driver for the uber420 will order the food, pick it up, and either drive the passengers around town while they eat or drop them off wherever.
The driver will arrive in a recently stolen vehicle and drive you around town committing various crimes: robbing banks, drive by shootings, nailing hookers, it’s all fair game. In this case, the drivers are preferred to have extensive criminal records and experience. The customer is liable for 75 to 100 percent of all legal expenses depending on if he or she gets caught, what crimes are committed, and what the charges actually are. Since this is a premium service, Uber will connect you with the best criminal attorneys in the country at a discounted rate should you get in trouble.
Live like a degenerate celebrity by having paparazzi follow your Uber around town snapping pictures of everything you do. There will be an endless supply of high quality photos of you stumbling around hammered, doing drugs, and, of course, there will be several crotch shots. Everyone around you will think you’re a celebrity–you can use that influence to snag yourself a willing participant for a backseat romp, photos courtesy of the patented “doggy cam.”
In the near Amazon drone, Google terminator, burrito button future, Tesla’s Elon Musk will recreate a Delorean with the ability to travel through time, powered by several lithium ion batteries from the Gigafactory. Uber will have exclusive rights to it for the first six months after paying out the nose for it. Of course, Uber doesn’t want to compromise its own existence, so heavy controls will be put in place. Unfortunately, this means you can’t go back to 2004 and tell your whole family to invest every available penny each person has in Apple or give yourself winning lottery numbers for the huge multi-hundred million dollar jackpots. You will, however, be able to watch Alexander the Great conquer the Middle East, chase velociraptors, and find out what happened to flight 370. (Too soon?) Get in on it before the government regulates it out of existence.