It is upon us. Many of the past Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays since August have unfolded in anticipation of this one glorious day of war on the gridiron. However, you have lady parts, so there’s a 50/50 chance that you don’t care. Ladies, you fall into one of five categories of women on Super Bowl Sunday, and you and I both know it.
1. The Casual Fan Girlfriend
You’re cool and enjoy football, maybe not as much as the man in your life, but you enjoy it nonetheless. You have awaited this day much like you have awaited at least one of these nights each week. You probably have an actual team you root for, probably based on the fact that they have a hot quarterback. You may even own some team swag or at least borrow a shirt from your boyfriend. You know actual players names although it’s probably just the quarterback, the wide receiver, and a defensive lineman that wrecked someone in week 7. You actually give more of a fuck about the game than just who is playing the halftime show. (Although, BEYONCE! Oh wait, that was last year.) You’re readying yourself for the gross portions of beer, pizza, and wings you’re about to consume. Your boyfriend/significant other is appreciative of you, and win or lose, you’re probably going to get laid. Congrats.
2. The Fake Fan
You pretend to like watching football mainly to prevent looking like a bitch to your guy’s friends, or avoid a fight. This doesn’t take away from your coolness because, hey, at least you’re trying. Although most of the time you’re in IDGAF mode, there’s probably an interception or a 100-yard return that actually catches your attention and you probably begin to form the foundation of team loyalties. You’re really only there for the halftime show because you want to see if Bruno Mars is going to play “Locked Out of Heaven” because it’s your jam. You’re wearing a shirsey from your alma mater because it’s the only sports attire you own. You try to communicate in sports lingo by calling out players as “that big guy in the navy and chartreuse.” Any time someone mentions halftime shows from years past, you jump at the occasion to bring up Beyonce and how the Destiny’s Child reunion changed your life. The likelihood of you getting laid tonight is determined solely by who wins and who loses.
3. The Reluctant One
You have to watch football? “But the Kardashians are on tonight.” Well ya know what, bitch? DVR your goddamn Kardashians because it’s the Super Bowl. The Kardashians average two seasons a year with mid-season breaks. The Super Bowl happens once a year. You’re going to have to either suck it up, or you and your boyfriend are going to be fighting tonight. And the fun part is, he’s probably not going to actually spend his quality guy time fighting with you during the Super Bowl, which is going to piss you off even more. Instead, you decide to stake out a spot on the couch in the corner of the room and sit in silence. You text your best friend, maybe even your mom, and send passive-aggressive tweets so you’re at least not saying your thoughts aloud. There’s a point somewhere in the third quarter where you feel like there’s too much negative attention being thrown your way so you get up and storm off to the bathroom, unconcerned that there are 5-10 other people with bowels full of beer and hot wings who are beginning to hate you even more. You’re not getting laid tonight, by the way. You’re actually probably going to fight with this guy even though you feel as if your presence should be enough to show how much you tried.
4. The Bitter Single
You’re single and care enough to watch football, either for the game, the halftime show, or just the atmosphere OR you couldn’t give two shits less and you watch the Kardashians in your monogrammed pajama bottoms and homecoming concert t-shirt from junior year with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. You’re surrounded by trashy gossip magazines and you’re happy with your life. You honestly couldn’t care less who wins or who loses, you watch the Bruno Mars halftime show even though you know it’s not going to even come close to touching Beyonce’s, and you YouTube Beyonce’s halftime show once it’s over. You go to sleep at a reasonable hour without sex or fighting. You actually win this day.
5. The Moms
This is what happens when girls literally over-try to make someone like you and think you’re cool by cooking and preparing T.G.I. Friday’s appetizers for your man and all of his friends that you plan on presenting on team color-coordinated table cloths. You are not worth my time.