I have a decently sized social circle. I spend plenty of evenings alone watching Hulu Plus as well, but on any given Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, there are probably a half dozen dudes I could go out with and have a good time. We’ve all known each other since college, and we’ve always had a pretty good balance in our crew with guys who were in a relationship and guys who were single. That luck has run out. Within the past two months, all but one of my friends have found themselves in a relationship. Good for them, but since the one other single guy has started traveling more often, I’ve been hanging out with a ton of couples lately. I’m not knocking couples because girlfriends are awesome, but after a solid month of being the third, fifth, and seventh wheel, I’ve noticed a few behaviors exhibited by couples in our age group that need to stop. Immediately.
1. Arguing while intoxicated. This might be my biggest pet peeve of all time regarding anything. The two lovebirds who post the cutest Instagram photos together can turn into savage wolverines after knocking back a few drinks. With some couples, it’s almost habitual. The triggers are everywhere, but if either partner attracts ANY attention from the opposite sex, it’s guaranteed to go down. Why? Insecurity. And now I’m caught in the middle of two pissed off lovers. Why couldn’t you two have just stayed home and split a bottle of wine? I would have had way more fun drinking by myself and going out alone instead of listening to your slurred bickering all night.
2. Explaining to me why I’m single. I already know why I’m single: I still have “Anchorman” posters in my bedroom, I drive a vehicle manufactured in the mid ’90s, and I’m woefully immature. That’s just the first volley of flaws that come to mind; I can probably think of at least a hundred reasons why I’m single (I once had a girl tell me my vocabulary was a turn-off). The point is that I’m okay with it. Just because you’re a couple, it does not give you a green card to dissect my personal life, especially since the odds are monumentally against you that you’ll make it together as a couple. Give me a break and lay off the drugstore psychology while you’re at it. Half of marriages fail–I can’t even fathom how many Facebook official relationships fail.
3. Inviting me on a double date. Talk about an intensely awkward situation. Going on a first date with another couple makes me feel like a zoo animal, especially when it’s a clever ambush in the form of a happy hour invite where Mary from accounting just “happened to swing by.” The buttocks-clenching pressure from being under the microscope is enough to knock any stud off his A-game. My buddy’s girlfriend has clearly talked me up enthusiastically, leaving me to prop up some kind of highly educated, suave Prince Charming version of myself, which couldn’t be further from the truth. One slip up and I’ve been hung out to dry. Double dates work against me because I don’t really have any goals or ambition for myself. On a one-on-one date, that still doesn’t work to my advantage, but at least I know the girl really likes me if we end up hooking up. Instead I just look like a douchebag.
4. Trying to set me up. Did I ask you to do that for me? I have nothing against meeting new people, especially girls. Unfortunately, when a trusted buddy’s girlfriend sets you up with someone, you have to be on your BEST behavior. I don’t mean opening doors and pulling out chairs; I mean that you better not seal the deal with her friend unless you plan on dating her. If you don’t plan on becoming her boyfriend, you have risked stirring up a shit-storm of drama. Sometimes you get lucky, but I didn’t.
5. PDA. I’ve had a girlfriend. I’ve had sex. I get it. When you’re with someone who fires you up inside, you want to be physical with him or her all the time. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I’m a big proponent of sexual freedom. What I am not a proponent of is you swapping five-second Frenchers and getting handsy when I’m right in front of you. At any given bar, there are two bathrooms, a supply closet, your parked cars, an alley, and a manager’s office. Pick one and go to town. I’ll even keep a brief lookout if it’s not too much trouble (wingman duties end when relationships go up on Facebook). Just don’t make out in front of me. Thank you.
If you have an awesome sex story involving a bar manager’s office, please share with the group..