I’m eating lunch at the local pizza shop, and what do I see? Canada and Chinese Taipei battling it out in the 1st round of the Little League World Series. This is a time honored tradition where ESPN clears their schedule to broadcast every nail-biter, heart-breaker, and rise to glory. Has this been the longest running practical joke on America, or am I missing something?
1. Watching 18 Little Boys Playing With Each Other, I Can’t Help But Feel Like I’m A Huge Pervert
I’m all for our youth learning the life lessons that competitive sports teach. I grew up playing little league sports, and I’m a better man for it. But, damn! Watching 12-year-old boys play baseball makes me feel like a creep. Furthermore, people making comments like, “Wow that kid has a cannon. Look at that form!” It may just be me, but critiquing a young boy’s “form” just seems wrong.
2. The Parents
Have you seen these jokers? When my future seed finally picks up a bat and ball, I will be the proudest father on Earth. I’ll take him out to the backyard and show him how to America’s greatest pastime. Baseball is an American staple like the Bald Eagle, apple pie, and porn. But I’ll be damned if I ever turn out to be a LLWS parent. There are grown men leading chants and cheers for their legacy’s team. Really? Just applaud and yell, “TAKE SECOND!” like a decent human being. Don’t paint your face and hold up a team mascot while leading the crowd in your team’s personalized cheer. Screw you, LLWS parent!
I understand the need for it, but dammit, tell these boys to let their balls drop already. When Julio Tehran plunks Bryce Harper, he looks him dead in the eyes as Harper takes first. When a professional team wins, they shake each other’s hands, not the opponent’s. Yes, play the game with class and play the game the way it deserves to be played. But the guys in the other dugout are from a completely different culture. You don’t have to treat them as you would another American team. If I see one more cross-culture handshake, I’m gonna go Nick Cage in my cubicle.
4. The Coaches
These guys are dicks. Simple as that. No explanation needed. If you’re gonna coach the future of baseball, do it appropriately. Throw in a plug, swear like hell, and teach the young men how to play the game. Hell, crack a beer in the dugout to get your point across. Let the national television audience know you mean business.
5. ESPN Coverage
Is the LLWS really the most pressing sport action in America? Just run Sportscenter 6 more times. ESPN even shells out analysts for this thing! They have profiles on the players. Jimmy’s favorite baseball player is Derek Jeter, his favorite color is aqua, and his favorite ice cream cone flavor is “rainbow.” Lace ’em up ESPN. Who seriously watches this stuff other than 10-year-old girls and creepy old men?
All in all, there’s gotta be something better we can all do with our time other than watching a 21-19 score between Israel’s and the Dominican Republic’s 12 year olds.