Columns

5 Things To Get America For Her 238th Birthday

fourth-of-july-products

She’s beautiful, ain’t she? She’s the most stunning 238-year-old I’ve ever seen, that’s for damn sure. Sorry, Joan Rivers, America’s got you beat. But what do you get the 238-year-old that has everything? Here’s a few things you can get our beautiful nation for her birthday tomorrow:

An Informed, Active Populace

This government thrives on citizens who are informed and participate in the political process. When political efficacy is down, our beautiful nation suffers and we lose out on the things we hold so dear and love about her. So watch the news at least once a week to hear what’s going on. “Last Week Tonight” is a great week-in-review show to watch, albeit with a comedic bent. Or a “Meet the Press”/”Face the Nation” sort of thing on Sundays. Or just leave a 24-hour news channel on in the background of your room and read the ticker every now and again. Then try to make informed decisions and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, VOTE. It’s your God-given right as an American. Don’t squander it. Don’t play America like that. Nobody plays America.

Pay Your Taxes

Not paying your taxes is like not calling your grandma. You’d do that to poor America? The one thing that fills her with hope, promise, and the money she needs to thrive? Come on, guys. I know many people don’t like or agree with taxes, but you gotta pay ’em. Don’t end up like Leona Helmsley, Wesley Snipes, Pete Rose or Nicolas Cage. In fact, just don’t be Nicolas Cage. Do everything but act like Nicolas Cage. The first “National Treasure” was pretty dope though.

Thank A Veteran And Current Military Service Member

You should do this every day, but today would be extra special. These are the people who kept/keep our precious nation safe. What they do is a wonderful thing — keep us safe and protect our liberties and freedoms from harm. They don’t do it for the praise, even though they should be slamming every chick in this country and have women THROWING themselves at them like rockstars, instead of acting that way toward little shits like Justin Bieber. In fact…

Deport Justin Bieber

Just get rid of the little prick already. He’s a poison that is making our country sick and the U.S. Immigration and Nationalization Service is the immune system that can induce vomiting. Send him home. Are you too good for your home?!

Botox

To paraphrase Jedi Master Yoda, “When 238 years old you reach, look as good, you will not, hmm?” Everyone needs a touch-up sometime, just ask Joan Rivers. Sorry to hit Joan twice in one piece, but she’s my hero; she can take it. I’m just talking about a little spring cleaning. Let’s spruce her up with some shiny new laws and infrastructure; put some cool people to work making this country look shiny and new again. Maybe a nip-tuck here and there, sell Florida for some extra cash. You know, just some suggestions. Nothing set in stone.

If all else fails, a gift certificate to Applebees or Starbucks never fails. Or Dallas Cowboys tickets. They are America’s team, after all.

Email this to a friend

1 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More