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5 Things I Learned While Living With Boys

one-of-the-guys

I live with four boys. I am a girl. Everyone assumes it’s like the perfect setting from “New Girl,” but it’s not. That show is a lie, and it confuses innocent girls into thinking that living with only boys is beautiful cakewalk full of hotness and possible hookups.

It isn’t. Here’s what I learned.

1. No one ever cleans up. Ever.

I’m not a neat freak, but I can’t say I like sitting on my couch only to realize I’m sitting on a piece of pink cake that a drunk party person left there two days ago. Boys seem to hate cleaning anything unless it’s their laundry (but only if everything in their clothing pile on the floor starts to smell bad) or if a girl they like is coming over. The day before a party? This place is as spotless as a queen’s castle. Afterwards? Pink cake on the couch becomes a decoration as well as something that attracts ants.

2. There is hair on everything in the bathroom.

When I lived in my sorority house, I thought girls were the only ones who shed more than a golden retriever in the summer. Then I moved in with boys. I won’t go into details, but they not only shed, they shave and then think their little hairs are a fun reminder that they’re men. When it gets really bad, their hair clumps send me into a rage state I coined as “Male Hatred.”

3. Boys are sassy to each other.

I thought girls were the only ones who practiced the art of passive-aggressiveness. However, being the only girl in the house, I am the mom. I hear about all of the problems they have with each other and then I get to watch them bro out afterward. It’s almost like sorority girl chatter, except with less boyfriend stealing sorority sister talk and more about who took the last can of Coors.

4. Boys think the oven turns itself off eventually.

It doesn’t. I end up turning it off. Every. Time. I saved their lives so many times–they may never know how close they came to a fiery grave. Their funerals would have smelled like embalming fluid and a couple burnt DiGiornos.

5. Boys can’t tell you if you look good AND you can’t steal their clothes.

They don’t know which way you should part your hair, they think two blue dresses look exactly the same (Tiffany blue and robin’s egg blue are TOTALLY DIFFERENT, GUYS) and they don’t know what type of eyeliner you should buy. Therefore, if you have a hot date with a guy, you have to hike down the block to your closest female friend’s house with five dresses and three types of shoes to get a real opinion.

On the same note, if your female friend shoots down all your clothing choices, you can’t just go back and raid your roommates’ closets. All they have are hoodies, one pair of jeans and 10 band shirts. However, if you want a hot punk look, just throw one of those band shirts over a pair of leggings, grab a leather jacket and BOOM! You will look like Avril when she was singing about some sk8er boi.

Just sniff the shirt before you take it. Why? See #1.

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Bottle Blonde

Texan in Colorado. Graduated a year early from college for some reason. Thinks "Starbucks Gold Card Member" should be listed under "achievements" on her resume.

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