The holidays are billed as the most wonderful time of the year, which can be equally blamed on Andy Williams and the expansion of the retail sector and corporate America. I’m pretty sure that by 2020, Black Friday will likely span the entire week of Thanksgiving, further reminding us of our gift-giving obligations and financial shortcomings.
Call me an angry elf or Scrooge McDuck, but I don’t give a hoot — the holidays can suck for some of us.
1. Too much family time. I love being at my parents’ house, because it means I get to be a kid again. The only responsibilities I’m accountable for are not getting toothpaste on the hand towels and occasionally putting my dog on the front porch and yelling at her to “get busy.” Life is good…for about three hours. Then the rules start to creep in. It starts off innocently enough, with a friendly reminder to take off my shoes at the door when I first get home, and then it snowballs into a series of lectures on my drinking habits. Plus, Grandpa always forgets to flush the toilet. Gross.
2. Holiday vacation (or lack thereof). Here’s a throwback for you: “Christmas Break.” I don’t remember schools starting to become politically correct until everybody got so sensitive after 9/11. In fifth grade, everyone would get high on cupcake frosting and go home to watch “Home Alone.” In middle school, we’d wear all our clothing presents at school and laugh at the girls who got sunburns between their corn rows when they were in Disney World. Now, we’re stuck in an office with paid time off, which many of us would happily accept in lieu of a paycheck. However, we’ve been playing phone tag with coworkers making triple our salary, who have had an out-of-the-office email response set for the past three weeks.
3. People posting pictures of presents. How humble of you to post your diamond-studded bangle on Facebook. I can tolerate the photo drivel on Instragram, but humanless pictures on Facebook are getting on my last nerve. Your [insert obnoxious gift here] is beautiful and all, but you also look like the biggest brat on this side of the Atlantic. I hope your stupid bracelet is fake and turns your wrist green. Bye, Felicia.
4. People kissing near plants. No one ever seems to bring up the fact that mistletoe is a parasitic plant spread from trees by bird droppings. Is my relationship illegitimate because my boyfriend didn’t kiss me next to a dead pine tree? Is it a farce because there is no documented holiday record of us kissing or ice skating at all? Fire hazards and embarrassing sweaters aside, pictures or it didn’t happen.
5. The inevitable weight gain. We’re all a solid ten pounds up from October. You capped yourself at 19 cookies on Christmas and only three latkes per night during Hanukkah. The goodies in the office have doubled in number, but you’re not complaining because Nancy the secretary makes fucking bomb homemade fudge. Whatever weight was lost after Thanksgiving came back with a vengeance, and your not-thigh gap can prove it. Everyone knows that the best diet is the one that always starts tomorrow. Leftover cookies until you puke is a close second..