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5 Reasons I Don’t Want To Be Your Bridesmaid

 

Kristen-Wiig-Bridesmaids-wine

Engagement season is upon us, you dirty, dirty whores. So, if you want to take it upon yourselves to be happy and “in love” and post pictures of a certain ring finger, then I’m going to take it upon myself to give you a certain middle finger. Maybe both of them. Can’t be sure.

5. I just graduated. You just graduated. Are you not poor, too? How are you surviving and planning a wedding at the same time? Love costs money, hence my loneliness. At least that’s how I justify it. I can’t afford your wedding shower, your lingerie shower (is that even necessary?), your bachelorette party, a hotel room on the wedding weekend, some tacky cocktail dress that I can “totally wear again in the future,” or the gas to get to any of those places.

4. Speaking of, I’m single. Can’t you just let me be cynical about it without requiring me to parade around in that tacky cocktail dress in front of your family and friends? Plus, I really don’t want to spend my spare time trying to make nice with the random frat bro I met at that one homecoming tailgate junior year and not-so-secretly hate. I just don’t think I can make that sacrifice for you, girl.

3. I would much rather sit on my couch in sweat pants with a glass of wine and Netflix The Walking Dead. I’d also like to go get a pap smear. While we’re at it, we can go to the gym and/or throw away all of my junk food, including the half a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia hidden in the back of my freezer for days such as your wedding day, even though I really prefer Strawberry Cheesecake.

2. I love you and all, but your engagement pictures made me kind of ragey on the inside. And that was when I was sitting on my aforementioned couch and far from your presence. How dare you inflict your happiness on my Facebook timeline? If you want to risk opening Pandora’s box of hormones, emotion, and drunken slurs on your special day, then live your dream. Just don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

1. Being a bridesmaid takes a lot more of time now than it did once upon a time. And I’m not falling into your trap of lies and deception and tulle. I can barely commit time to myself just to keep myself looking like an acceptable member of society. Or watch that KUWTK episode trapped in limbo on my DVR. And you want me to craft what now? That’s a lot of glitter and I just can’t.

Besides, let’s not pretend we’re still going to be friends after you’re married. I can’t justify being so committed to someone who is just going to leave me in the end. Married people hang out with other married people. And let me reiterate one more time how single I am. Because I’m single. Like, really, really single. Singgggle.

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lnsayers

My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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