“Wait, why do you need to shower before work if you showered last night?” is a question that still blows my mind. I haven’t learned much in this life, but what I have learned is this: always make sure there’s toilet paper before sitting down on the toilet and girls shower about a quarter of the times guys do.
For the first twenty years of my life, I washed my hair every fuckin’ day. “It’s cleaner,” I thought to myself before being told to wash it every other day for maximum… something. Truth be told, I have no idea why I still abide by that rule even though I have no justification behind it.
During the first eighteen of those first twenty years, I also unabashedly used a loofah without question (and truthfully, I still do because they’re awesome). But once I went into a communal bathroom at college for the first time, I saw all these neanderthals using just a bar of soap and nothing else. It was disgusting.
And now, I’m facing the confusion of how girls don’t shower nearly as much as guys do. I did an inner-office survey, and the results didn’t surprise me at all — most of us can’t even begin to function if we don’t get at least a quick shower in the morning of. Yet, the female portion of the office had zero shame in saying that it’s completely unnecessary to shower in the morning, especially if you showered the night before.
It raised some questions.
“How often do you wash your fucking sheets?”
Real talk though. Unless you have a stay-at-home something, I don’t think you’re washing your sheets all that much. Every night when you go to bed, you take your filthy-ass body and sleep in the same sheets for eight hours. That’s like going to work in the same clothes every day and thinking you’re squeaky clean. Nah. Nappenin’.
“Is ‘bed head’ just not a thing in your world?”
When I wake up, I look like Todd from Wedding Crashers.
No amount of cream, pomade, gel, or whale sperm could keep my hair from flying in all directions if it’s not at least rinsed with some water. And if you have longer hair than I do (which isn’t all that hard), I’ve got a sneaky feeling that it may be a little more difficult to tame the beast.
“Do you brush your teeth in the morning?”
By the logic of not showering in the morning because you showered the night before, do you not brush your teeth in the morning if you brushed them the night before? Because if so, that’s fucking appalling.
I mean, it’s not like you eat anything when you’re sleeping, right? So why would you need to brush your teeth before heading into work? That’s just a waste of time and toothpaste.
You’re scum. I get morning breath like a motherfucker. If I’m in bed with someone and she tries to kiss me before I get a chance to go to the bathroom, she’s getting the “Horror Movie Lips Sewn Shut” treatment. Plus, your boy probs needs to fart too, so hitting the bathroom is essential.
“What are you gaining from not showering in the morning?”
Are you really saving that much time by showering at night? Do you like getting into bed with a wet hair and wet body? I’m too lazy to Google it, but I’m 80% sure studies say you sleep worse if you shower before because said shower raises your body temperature which affects your sleep. Again, too lazy to Google.
Even if I’m not all that dirty, I still like to rinse off because it gives me more of a wake-up call than an alarm or a cup of coffee does. And then when I get out and I smell like lilacs? I feel like Julie Andrews prancing through a field in The Sound Of Music.
“How do you not feel like a pile of filth all day at work?”
Let’s say I shower once a day, first thing in the morning. Come bedtime, I feel disgusting. I’ve been sitting in the same clothes all day, collecting particles of dirt and grime over the last 14 hours, and I can feel the natural oils just crawling on my skin. Most of the time, I throw my hands in the air and just shower again before bed. And then when I wake up the next day? I shower again without questioning it.
If you don’t shower in the morning, you’re going a full 24-hour cycle without stepping foot in the shower again. That’s bananas to me. The thought of sitting at my desk for eight hours after all of the world’s gunk has built up on my body the night prior sounds worse to me than being on Fear Factor sitting in a coffin with cockroaches or snakes all over me.
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