Marriage is an idea so crazy that it’s bound to work about half the time. Speaking from no experience, and because I am yet to see a Facebook status declaring, “I said no,” or, “She said no,” I feel 100% confident in assuming that proposing these days is pretty automatic. But just because your bride-to-be pledges her undying loyalty, until
divorce death do you part, does that prepare you to make the leap? You always told yourself that marrying at 23 years young was the equivalent of leaving the party at 9:00pm, but look at you now! You went off and fell in love far too early in life. Idiot. That, however, does not mean you need to bow down on one knee and put a ring on it. Do yourself a favor and ask yourself these five questions before you take the plunge into the icy, unforgiving waters of marriage.
1. Is she in debt?
It’s highly doubtful you picked a lovely, young debt free and ample bodied blonde to sucker into marrying you, because this is 2014, and we go to schools we couldn’t afford in our wildest dreams, based on the assumption we’ll be compensated appropriately for the insane price of higher learning. Your bride is probably buried neck deep in accrued interest. This means you’re about to marry a bunch of debt, and the second you exchange, “I do’s,” her debt becomes your debt. The more debt you have, the higher the mortgage rate will be on your first home together. No one wants to live in a glorified aluminum box made to look like a home. Let’s not even dig into the absurd price of decent, blood-free shiny rock. If you want to continue to afford to take her to nice dinners and vacations, maybe you should reconsider succumbing to a mile high pile of debt just to take things to the next level.
2. Is her mom hot?
You future father-in-law probably hates you, but let’s put objectivity goggles on. Does the woman he’s married to today resemble the girl he fell in love with long ago? If you’re 23 years old and ring shopping, you probably fell in love before you could legally drink. And let’s be straight here, fellas, this girl you fell in love with is in her prime. You can’t tell if she’s going to age gracefully based on three years leading up to the peak age for females. The best indicator of beauty stamina is her mother’s aesthetics. Stone cold fox? By all means, check the box and even write your own vows. If not, keep your eyes and mind open and reconsider the return on investment. Unless you’re balding.
3. Do your friends like her?
Don’t get this confused with “Does she get along with your friends?” More importantly, do the people who you’ve been through thick and thin with for 20-plus years even like this girl you’ve been dating? Or do they just put up with her because that’s what friends do? These people like everything you do: movies, books, poetry, passionate debates over whether or not vegetables belong on pizza. Take your boys out for a beer or seven and get some honest feedback. If the people you’re closest with and have the most in common with collectively hate her, you’re probably blinded by the booty. Getting married doesn’t just affect your relationship, it changes your family structure. It shouldn’t change who your friends are.
4. Can you afford a (non)memorable bachelor party?
We’re back to money. Money makes the world spin, the liquor flow and the strippers strip. If you can’t afford to make your last night of fun your best night of fun, it’s a good sign you need to hold off. This premarital tradition is a rite of passage and you shouldn’t spend it sipping Old Milwaukee’s and playing board games in the basement. And Jenga counts as a board game. It’s vital to make sure your boys can afford to come along too. Vegas solo is just as depressing as it gets. But keep in mind, these guys won’t want to shell out for Caesar’s when Harrah’s is half price.
5. Is she pregnant?
It’s the least you can do.