Vacations are tough. You have a finite number of days every year where your company basically pays you go away and get your shit together. Some people make the most of their vacation and plan extravagant trips. Others just stay home and get some rest. The important thing is that if you’re going to go somewhere, make sure it isn’t a place that fucking sucks. To help you with that, I’ve compiled a list of the worst spots to spend your free time.
What the fuck is sand, anyway? Tiny rock shavings built to terrorize any and all open pores on your body? Who thought THAT was a good idea? And besides that, who decided to make places full of it into vacation spots? Does anybody vacation in the desert besides hallucinogen users and crazy cult sects? No. Why? Because sand blows dick. But apparently, the ocean makes it all worthwhile! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. The next thing you know, you’re going to tell me that saltwater doesn’t burn your eyes, and sharks aren’t the most terrifying animals on the damn planet. Guess what, Earth? The ocean sucks a butt, too. What, I’m just supposed to accept that billions of animals have shit in the doodie water I’m paddling in just so I can attempt to stand up on a piece of fiberglass that will inevitably pop up, give me a concussion, and probably drown me? Go fuck yourself.
Let me guess, I’m supposed to be impressed that a few plates rammed into each other a couple million years ago and made extra-large rock piles? Really? I made a dirt pile once as a kid, and you know what I got for that? Grounded for a week because apparently, I wasn’t supposed to haul dirt into the fucking living room. So if I don’t get any credit for dumb, humpy geography, why should you? People say it’s all about the view, but are sunsets really any prettier on top of a peak? Fuck no. Sunsets are cool whether they’re through fog coming off the treeline, or smog coming out of 400,000 Ford pickups with no mufflers driven by landscaping crews. So no, I’m not going to sweat, get destroyed by bugs, and throw up from altitude sickness just so I can “get up high.” We invented planes 100 years ago, people. Act like it.
You want to know why most people “can’t see the forest for the trees”? Because in real life, you really can’t see the stupid forest for the asshole trees. Yeah, those shots above the trees from a helicopter on “Planet Earth” are pretty rad, but are you renting a heli to go cruise over a patch of Earth pubes? I didn’t think so. So when you’re down in the muck underneath the canopy, what do you really see? A few dozen trees? Well then why don’t you just walk to the local park and get lost in the corner? Same thing, right? Sure, you can’t pitch a tent there, but who wants to sleep in a hive of mosquitos while constantly praying that raccoons don’t eat your food stash, or that bears don’t eat your life? Ain’t worth it, man.
Okay, so nature is out–why not check out a city, see all the great buildings? New York is great in the fall, right? Maybe catch a game at Fenway? Do…whatever it is people do in Cleveland? Sit in the airport waiting for a connecting flight to any other city, I guess. You know what? Pass on all that shit. You know where the most murders happen? Cities. Robberies? Cities. Indecent acts of exposure on subways? Cities, because rural areas don’t have subways, you dinkus. Cities are also expensive as hell, have terrible traffic, and are full of angry people who are the way they are because the city made them that way. And what’s so great about architecture, anyway? A bunch of stones thrown on top of each other in a randomly arbitrary way that are supposedly fancy just because a couple of guys with weird glasses said so? Fuck that. Your shitty condo stays at a constant temperature, and it blocks out all the sounds of those idiot kids playing in the courtyard. Now THAT’S architecture.
Well, since the big city is out, the quaint life of a small town atmosphere is the natural place to spend your precious vacation days, right? Wrong, fucko. I grew up in small towns. You know how every movie set in a small town portrays young people trying to get the fuck out of there? It’s because that’s what happens. Small towns are great if you’re the only doctor in the area and every divorcée is clamoring over each other to suck your dick on the sly. But small towns blow for…well, basically everyone else. The internet is nonexistent, there are, like, three activities you can do during the day, and there are no attractive, single people for you to hit on at the bar, because everyone got married at 19, and there’s probably not even a bar, anyway.
The moral of the story? Everywhere sucks, stay home..