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5 Phrases That Should Be Brazilian Waxed From Your Lexicon

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There are too many pointless or incorrect phrases, and I’m sick of hearing them. Don’t fill the air with words just to hear yourself talk. Do the polite thing–pull out your iPhone and stare at it instead. Below is a list of the top five useless phrases I think you should stop using immediately.

1. “You heard it here first!”

Unless you are the sole keeper of the information, this is a very presumptuous statement. And in that case, it’s redundant, because if you thought of it, of course I heard it from you first. But if it’s just a fun or juicy fact, please know that you are not my only friend, or even my smartest friend. Why do you think this is the first time I’m hearing about whatever you are about to say?

2. “I’m not going to lie…” AND “I gotta be honest…”

Both of these phrases are uttered so often that they almost warrant different lines to drive the point home. They are both confusing, and they make me question your motives while I simultaneously look for an exit from this lame conversation. If you feel it’s necessary to tell me that you are not going to lie, it means I shouldn’t trust anything you said before this statement, which is incredibly frustrating depending on the length of time we’ve already spent talking. Or, it sounds like you were considering lying but used your big kid judgment to decide against it and are now coming clean. Either way, you’re annoying and wasting my time.

3. “My parents taught me everything I know.”

Oh, really? Your parents taught you how to go down on a girl? If that’s true, you are the only person who can use this phrase, and please, TELL ME MORE! You are the most interesting person I’ve ever had a conversation with, literally.

4. “Literally.”

This one has been beaten to death by “MADtv” (RIP) and stand-ups everywhere, but it bears repeating. We all fall into the “literally” category, so if you just quickly correct yourself or apologize and move on, no harm, no foul. Just watch it.

5. “I’ve never given up on anything in my life.”

I’ve heard this frequently in the talking head interviews on various reality shows when the person is trying to convey that he or she is giving it “110 percent” (which is not even possible, because math–also, this is another thing you should never say). This phrase always has the opposite effect of the intended purposes, because if you’re an adult and you have truly never given up on anything, that means you’re always the dumpee and never the dumper. Good to know.

Help eradicate these stupid phrases that come out of so many mouths. I think if people had to give a dollar to an awful organization they didn’t like every time someone says one of these five phrases, they would be dropped from our vocabularies almost immediately, mostly because we’re all cheap, but also because you might think twice if you knew it meant funding Ann Coulter’s next speaking tour or an additional wing to the Creation Museum.

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carlyrhodes

When not napping, drinking, or silently judging you in her head, she does stand up, eats hummus as a meal, and watches an unhealthy amount of TV. Carly be found giving even more unsolicited advice at carlyrhodes.tumblr.com

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