Columns

5 People Who Need To Die In Season Four Of The Walking Dead

walking-dead-logo-hd-free-112174

The Walking Dead premieres tonight and the only way I could be more excited were if Andrew Lincoln (Rick) were to walk through my front door right now, kiss me on the mouth, request that I have his babies, and then tell me that he, too, always thought Lori was a stupid idiot. Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?

Anyway, in light of the best television show in the history or histories making its return (pipe down, Breaking Bad fans. Your turn is over), I decided to do a little tribute. A little tribute to the people who need to die already. Call me sick, call me twisted, I don’t care. These people need to go.

*Disclaimer, I have not read the comic books by choice. If you have, please don’t ruin it for everyone by posting a spoiler in the comment section.

1. Carl

Screen Shot 2013-10-13 at 3.46.15 PM

I don’t tolerate criers and I don’t tolerate people who can shoot their mom in the head and then walk away as if nothing happened. Is he bipolar? Is he schizophrenic? Is he just an emotionally disturbed 12-year-old thanks to his coming of age during a zombie apocalypse? Regardless, Carl is a ticking time bomb and he provides nothing but creepy eyes and bad omens to the group. His bitch fits and melodrama need to go back to the playground. Oh, all of the playgrounds are infested with rotting corpses and flesh eaters? Cry me a river, Carl. Go shoot your mom again.

2. Beth

the-walking-dead-210-2

I can’t figure out how old she is. She’s like a Skipper doll – not quite old enough to be Barbie, but not quite young enough to be Kelly. She’s the equivalent to the awkwardly sized toy that no little girl knew what to do with. Seriously, one time my mom got me a Skipper doll for my 6th birthday and I ripped her hair off and cried. Nobody likes Skipper. And nobody likes Beth. She’s mousy, she’s meek, and she provides nothing but teenage angst. Season three alluded to her having feelings for Rick and while I guess SVU doesn’t exist in a post apocalyptic world, I’d hate to see Rick ostracized for macking on a slutty seventeen year old. Plus, she won’t stop singing. Beth, what about your friends’ limbs being torn off by dead people makes you want to sing Emmylou Harris? Seriously, go away.

3. The Governor

The-Walking-Dead-Finale-Governor-3

His voice is smooth as butter and makes me want to dress up as Scarlett O’Hara and whisper Jefferson Davis quotes to him until he requests my hand in marriage and provides me with a life of Pinterest crafting random shit made out of Mason Jars. But his demeanor…well, I’m pretty sure that a pre-mortem Jim Jones would’ve enjoyed his company. The Governor is an all-American, sweet talking, good looking psychopath. And as anyone who has heard of Ted Bundy can tell you, that’s a bad combination. Need I remind you that he kept his dead daughter locked away in his apartment? Plus, he tortured Glenn. Who the hell doesn’t like Glenn? This guy needs to go.

4. Hershel

Hershel-to-Die

He’s a great guy, he really is. But he’s missing a leg and at this point he’s really just slowing down the group. I understand that he’s a recovering alcoholic who had a tough life, raised two daughters, is a God fearing man, blah, blah, blah. The fact of the matter is, times are tough when you’re fighting for your life and simply, put, Hershel can’t put up much of a fight. I don’t particularly want to see him die; I just know that he needs to. He’ll be like a sacrificial lamb that the history books will regale. Just kidding. No one will remember him. People don’t tend to write things down when they’re living in a prison, fighting off both mentally unstable humans as well as flesh eating dead people. Goodbye, Hershel. You’ll soon be forgotten.

5. Michonne

twd_gp_301_0507_0278

Her only real tie to the group was Andrea. And well…Andrea died. Thanks a lot, Phillip! Anyway, I know that Michonne somewhat proved herself to the others and she’s finally kind of acting like a team player, but she still has the attitude of a thirteen year old girl who listens to too much Panic! at the Disco, or whatever it is that thirteen year olds listen to these days. She’s self-involved and too independent for her own good. She’s hot tempered and impulsive to a fault. Need I remind you that she made human pets out of her ex-boyfriend and former best friend. Sort of makes you question the kind of person she is, huh? Plus, her body makes me feel bad about my own. Bye, Michonne. Don’t let the door hit your toned ass on your way out.

Disagree with my picks? Let’s hear it.

Email this to a friend

Catie Warren

Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

22 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More