As we get older (*shudder*) and begin to mature, it becomes easier to pick through all the bullshit on our social media pages that we live by on a daily basis. At first, you might notice one person’s post and think “Hmm, that sounded kind of douchey,” but then you’ll later forget it and move on. Until the next douchey post. And the next. Then you begin to notice a pattern, and before long, you are actually seeking out these douchey posts to share with your friends or significant other.
While these Facebook parasites can come in all shapes and sizes, there are five main ones that you can keep your eyes out for in order to maximize productivity of deleting friends.
Baby Photo Girl
This girl is worse than the one who actually just gave birth. She will post more photos than you believe people have time for in the day, and they will ALL be of someone else’s child. This tiny human may be a a relative, it may not be. There are severe cases of both. There are entire albums dedicated on a weekly basis to this child’s personal growth, which would be perfect if the kid ever grows up to be the next Adele or Leonardo DiCaprio, but it’s pretty unlikely. Do yourself a favor and just let this person go. It’s time. Imagine what it’ll be like when they actually bring a human into this world.
The Workout Updaters
Every once in awhile someone needs to share their fitness accomplishments with the world. Go for it. What’s that, you benched 500 pounds? YOU GO! Oh, you just finished an intense run while on your quest to compete in a marathon? GOOD FOR YOU. What I’m talking about is those people that have taken advantage of Nike+ and made it a personal hell for anyone wanting to scroll their newsfeed for the latest news.
Monday: Taylor Fuckwad ran .043 miles today and burned 24 calories!
Tuesday: Taylor Fuckwad ran 0.24 miles today and burned 13 calories!
Wednesday: Taylor Fuckwad is at the gym and working that stairmaster like it’s a bag of Dorito’s in front of a Gossip Girl marathon. Hot guy alert!
Thursday: Taylor Fuckwad decided to skip today at the gym and treat herself to a pair of Sketcher’s ShapeUps cuz I’ve been working so hard lately! #GetFit
Friday: Taylor Fuckwad doesn’t understand why I haven’t lost any weight with all of my training!
You get the point. We all condone physical fitness. But whether it’s Taylor Fuckwad or Johnny B. GorillaHead getting their sweat on, no one cares enough to hear about it on a daily basis. We are a smart generation and can easily sift through the bullshit of people we know are actually dedicated to working out and living a healthy lifestyle and those that just like to post about it in order to get recognition for actually going to the gym. Your fingers are burning more calories posting about being at the gym than you’re burning actually doing workouts. Time to let this friend go. Do it now before New Year’s Resolutions start again.
The Suburban Gangster
Oh, we all know this person well. Maybe you went to high school with them or they were your freshman roommate in college before their parents made them drop out because they partied too much. This person posts like a fiend on the FB and makes it their job to let everyone know just how much of a bad ass motha fuckuhhhhhhhh (I’ve legitimately seen this post in that exact grammatical context before) they are. Typical red flag words they will post:
There will be a countless number of selfies with nice objects surrounding them in order for people to see they are truly living a “thug” lifestyle and that they are always “husslin’ dem hoes.”
*Note: I almost just kicked my own ass for letting myself type out those words*
This person forgets that while their peers are now into their mid-20’s, they are still at home with Mom and Dad and acting like the biggest baddest thing to hit this Earth since AC/DC. You can’t fool us, we know that when you say you’re about to throw a rager at your place it means that the parents are out of town for the weekend. That was cool circa 2008. Get with the times. Better yet, get a job that doesn’t have you work 3 days on top of your lucrative online poker play (your account is currently at an all time low).
For some reason, some people think that they are the funniest people to have ever walked this planet. I don’t just mean that they think they occasionally make a good funny, they legitimately think George Carlin couldn’t come up with better shit than them. So what do they do? They share photos of their texts to friends… ALL THE TIME. Caution: If you want to share a text photo, make damn sure it is worthwhile and more people than just the friend you’re texting in the pic finds it funny. Never, I repeat, never tell everyone on social media this is why you love your best friend so much when they said something so obscure to you in a text that even you didn’t get it. Get over it. No one cares. Texts are for phones, not Facebook. De-friend.
This person may very well be the absolute worst of all the above forms of suck. This person (sorry for generalizing, ladies) is most likely a girl. She will post 12 times a day about her ongoing relationship drama like people think she is Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Your life isn’t Cory and Topanga so get over yourself before I dropkick you with soccer cleats. The beauty of this is that her significant other most likely doesn’t have a Facebook since she is talking so much garbage about him, that there is no possible way he could and still be with her. She will tell the world how amazing he is and makes her feel like the most specialest girl in the entire Disney Kingdom on Monday at 11:45am, but by 1:36pm she can’t believe that she ever fell for him and she is done for good this time… 3:45pm on Tuesday comes and she has once again posted that even though she knows she is dumb, she can’t help but be happy they have worked things out. That is, until 9:21am on Wednesday when she calls him a dirtbag and the biggest joke of all time. It goes on like this for 4 months and by now you are literally snapping photos of these statuses to send to your friends and significant other because she makes your blood boil with her stupidity. Who’s the joke now? I understand that she is a point of humor in your otherwise dull, normal life. But once you’re at the point that murder is a viable option, you need to take a step back and just click “Un-Friend.”
If you follow these 5 types of people to de-friend on the Facebook machine, you will easily work your friend list down to an acceptable and tolerable number. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.