Labor Day traditions, like many of our holidays, are pretty simple: boats, open water, sunburns, beer. And that’s great, I’ve done it many a time. But variety is the spice of life, so they say. (Personally, I think vulgarity is the spice of life, but whatever.) So for the sake of argument, I’ve concocted a few ideas for you to consider that are a little out of the strike zone as you spend your day off.
It’s tough to be willing to take a day during your weekend to volunteer when that means you’re basically sacrificing half of the time you have for yourself. Granted, that’s a pretty shitty, selfish outlook to take on what’s intended to be a selfless act, but I don’t think it does us much good to pretend that isn’t a part of the calculus. At any rate, while I’m sure baking your skin follicles off on the front of a pontoon boat while woozy from a 12-pack of dubiously cold beer sounds like the best option, it wouldn’t hurt to consider giving your time away. I do think everyone should have his or her one go-to charity to support. Personally, I don’t really get into the medical research stuff all that much. Not because I don’t care, but because I frankly wouldn’t have much of an impact at my income level. I can, however, do a lot more good with something like Big Brothers Big Sisters. At the very least, you’re giving a kid an older role model who he or she may not have. And who knows, maybe that kid will grow up and come up with the cure for the disease all those other ding dongs are donating to and trying to cure. Or maybe he’ll be the next Pol Pot. Who knows?
2. Go To A Theme Park
Seriously, when was the last time you rode a rollercoaster? People say that you can outgrow theme parks–that ultimately the loud kids, annoying adults, and general stickiness of everything outweighs the pre-adolescent attraction of the place. Bull fucking shit. I went to Six Flags a year ago, and I promise you, it is still awesome. You just have to look at it like a kid. Don’t get annoyed by loud children having fun, just get drunk and BE a loud child having fun. Try not to get so drunk you blow chunks on a middle-tier coaster like a rookie theme park bitch. You’re a veteran now. Hell, take your nephew with you. God knows his parents don’t want to put up with his shit for a whole day in a fantasy land. You can be his commanding officer. He’s just a grunt, but you’ve been in the shit. You’ve seen how good men can go down because they didn’t drink enough water, or didn’t splurge for the Fast Pass. Pass down your knowledge while it’s still useful.
3. Fly Wherever Is Cheapest
Have you ever just had the urge to see what the cheapest flight to a place in the U.S. is on Expedia, and then just book it and go? If you haven’t, you’re probably a lame, unimaginative goon. Maybe that’s a little harsh, whatever. The point is, an average weekend isn’t really worth traveling on, because most of your time will be spent in transit and you won’t really be at your destination long enough to do much of note. You’d never do it on your vacation days either, because those are more valuable than that one copy of Wu-Tang’s last album. You have to plan vacations perfectly. But that third day tacked onto an otherwise average weekend really puts you over the top. Just hop a plane to Kansas City and stuff your face with the second best barbecue in the world. Or wherever it happens to be, find the things that place is known for and go crazy. Go catch a game at Fenway. Check out Mount Rushmore. I’m not sure there’s anything else to do in South Dakota, but I’m sure you can figure something out.
4. Spend It Alone
What do you need friends for, anyway? You spend all of your free time during the weekends with them as it stands. Why dedicate your extra weekend day to being around other human beings? Don’t just post up on your couch, either. That’s a predictable move. They’ll find you there. Plus, you spend an inordinate amount of your time on your couch, anyway. Go out in the world. Visit something in your city that’s always interested you, but you never get around to doing, because only having two days a week of freedom doesn’t allow for anything other than your normally scheduled activities of pizza, booze, sports, and trying (unsuccessfully) to get laid. But do it by yourself. You’re a pretty cool guy or girl, so why not hang out with yourself?
5. Don’t Listen To Me And Do Whatever The Fuck You Want
This is Labor Day, dammit. We’re celebrating the low people on the totem pole (read: you and me) working their asses off so they can afford nice things in a badass country. You should spend that however the fuck you want, not by listening to me telling you what to do. If you want to go to the lake, enjoy the hell out of the lake. If you want to do nothing, do more nothing than anyone has ever done. You don’t need me to tell you what to do. This is your holiday, kid!