Somewhere along the line, people decided that excessive consumption of alcohol was bad for you. Ever since then, we’ve come up with excuses to drink too much. Sometimes they’re good, but most of the time they’re not. Here are a few of my go-to excuses. Maybe they’re convincing.
It’s an age-old tradition. Your team won? Congratulations, let’s have some beers! Your team lost? Sorry, dude. Here, have a beer. It’s this way for longshoremen and executives alike, and now that we’re in an information-heavy sports climate, there are even more excuses to drink. Your best player constantly challenges the coach? Drink. The ninth best player on your team has plantar fasciitis? Drink. Someone posted an artist’s rendering of what your new jerseys might look like in 10 years on Twitter? Drink. Basically, if you feel like you need a drink, you can find a reason.
2. Something Reminded You That You’re Getting Old
I know, I know, 30-somethings are like, “cry me a fucking river” right now. But I’m pretty sure that once you hit a certain point, the fear of getting older goes away. Well, it doesn’t go away exactly, but you either accept it and learn how to handle it or you just drink so much that it doesn’t matter. Either way, the realization that you’re not young and carefree anymore is a pretty common panic inducer for people my age. Whether it’s stressing about getting your taxes in, praying for a promotion, or getting angry because the grocery store won’t honor your coupons, you have moments several times a week where you realize, “Oh shit, I’m not a college kid who doesn’t have to worry about anything except the occasional test and how I’m gonna get laid this weekend!” Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s horrifying, but it’s always worthy of a few drinks.
3. Your Job
Chances are, you don’t have your dream job right now. You’re either doing what you want to do but aren’t getting paid nearly enough to survive, or you’re getting paid handsomely to do something you hate. There is always the possibility of the worst of both worlds, too–your jobs sucks and you’re poor. In any case, happy hour now looms as the sole beacon of hope for your day. Hopefully there are at least a few people in your office who share your disdain for what goes on from 9 to 5 who can join your for the booze-fueled commiseration party. Otherwise, just go home, make yourself a drink, and spend your night alternating between not being satisfied with the contents of your fridge and not finding anything intriguing on your DVR, because you already caught up on the shows you give a shit about. What a life.
4. Romantic Problems
Girls are frustrating. Guys are frustrating. Human beings are frustrating. And a lot of our personal lives are focused on, in one way or another, trying to figure out the people we’re dating–or even worse, the people who refuse to date us. So whether you had a bad date, you had your heart broken, or your significant other is just being a turd, booze is always there to help you cope. You can drink with your friends and complain about your problems, or you can rock the solo booze and dance around your apartment in no pants while watching “Bridget Jones’ Diary.” Both are acceptable activities in my book.
5. A Party…Finally
Parties don’t happen in adulthood nearly enough for my taste. I realized the other day when I squashed the desire to pop a beer at noon on a Sunday that day drinking is a very contextual activity. If you show up to grill meat and throw some back with your friends, it’s totally acceptable. If you’re raiding the liquor cabinet as the sun is hitting its midday peak while at home by yourself, you might have a problem. I suppose this is actually the point of all of these excuses. No one wants to just drink because of general anxiety or boredom, because it might signal that you have to deal with the issues that you’re choosing to repress. So throw a party for no reason, and give everyone in your life a reasonable excuse to get liquored up. It’s what friends do.