After graduation, when people ask you what you want to do for the rest of your life, they really mean the rest of your life. This crazy, fast-paced world we live in requires a lot of people working a lot of overtime to keep it going. Work will become your life, and your life will become your work. With so much going on at the office, at home, or during business trips, it only makes sense that your brain is still processing all the crazy things that can happen in a day when you lie down to go to sleep at night. It also has a tendency to go into a state of paranoia and come up with the WORST situations possible in what could be the craziest nightmares of your life. Here is a glimpse into the usual night terrors of a postgrad mind.
You’re Late For Work
On your way to work, the zombie apocalypse begins, but you’re dodging white walkers with your economy hatchback like Luke Skywalker dodges meteors with his spaceship. It’s three minutes to 9 a.m., and you’ve almost made it to work. The machine gun that magically appeared in your backseat helps you make it through your parking lot into the building by blasting away coworkers who have turned into the walking dead. Once inside, you realize that it’s now 9:02 a.m., and you have to report to your boss’s office STAT to explain. As much as you try to clarify what happened, he simply won’t believe your excuse. You’re fired. Then, he turns into a zombie and eats you alive. So cliché–I know, right?
You’re Naked In Front Of Your Coworkers
You’ve done it. You’ve received your first chance at a big break in your company. Now is your time to shine in a department presentation–except you’re not wearing pants or a shirt or underwear. Everyone is just staring, mouths open, at your tits, ass, balls, man boobs, cellulite, hairy chest, and everything in between. Completely mortified, you either wake up in a cold sweat and frantically grab for blankets to cover your private parts, or you run into the dream version of your work bathroom and cry.
You Get Called To Your Boss’s Office
Your boss calls your cube line directly and wants you to come to his office. You know you’ve done nothing wrong, but he starts off with the accusations. You can’t talk. Your tongue is tied up in knots. Suddenly, he doubles, then his doubles double, and their images merge in and out like reflections in fun house mirrors as they all continue to give you the lecture of a lifetime. Your boss and his cloned mirages stand up and walk toward you, while growing as tall as the ceiling. You grow dizzy and start fumbling for the door, but it begins to shrink. Then, you notice a small bowl with pills in it. “Take One to Exit Office,” says the bowl. With a gulp and a large thank you to “Alice in Wonderland” for inspiring your escape, you are now out of the office and in some other nightmare involving a caterpillar receptionist: “Whooo aaare youuu?”
Your Work Gets Audited
You’ve always done your best job at work (#jokes) but now, here come the Feds. And everybody knows they are a major cock block to your once relaxed notion of “doing a good job.” They’ll dig and they’ll dig until they find something, ANYTHING, to get you fired. In a police interrogation-type setting, you’ll dream of them shining that one small, hanging light directly at your face and spewing accusations left and right. “Did you use spellcheck on this report?” “The numbers on these budgets are just not adding up!” “Where were you at approximately 0800 hours on October 14, 2010?”
Your Ex Starts Dating Your Office Frenemy
Everyone has that one person in the office who he or she exponentially despises but has to remain civil with in order to keep the peace at work. What’s worse is that this person not only invades your work environment, but this nemesis also creeps into your dreams at night to steal your work friends, your boss’s attention, and, now, your ex. All you hear about is how happy they are together and how much your ex hated you. You hear this person’s loud, echoing voice from cubes over yonder detailing their meals together, their cute dates you never went on, and the hot, steamy sex you’re no longer having. The rage builds and builds until Mr. Boss comes out of the office to announce your promotion is now going to–you guessed it–your office frenemy. The rage boils out of you like an erupting volcano: “AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!” *Cut to you screaming as you jolt out of bed and throw the largest pillow available at your cat nestled softly at the bottom of your bed.*
On the bright side, all the hours I’ve spent lying awake post-nightmare haven’t completely gone to waste. I’ve decided to invent a Tinder-esque app solely for when you wake up from a nightmare and need a cuddle buddy. Who’s with me?