The Loogy Hocker
He’s just one of the several people in your office that have completely given up on life, except he’s not as internal as the rest of your office. He dips at his desk, and is constantly sniffling and coughing like he has stage three lung cancer. Every 5-10 minutes, he makes the most disgusting, guttural noises and hocks a big, slimy one into his dip cup. How is this not against company policy? Isn’t this a tobacco-free workplace? This guy might not have much to live for, but damn it man, have some respect for your work environment.
The Always-Sick Person
They’re like a reverse hypochondriac. They shouldn’t come to the office on most days, but they are constantly coming in looking like hell, sneezing and coughing all over the place. It’s disgusting. They might want to consider mixing in some fruits or veggies in their diet and stop eating turkey sandwiches with a Diet Coke every day. Maybe mix in some Emergen-C too. Preventative care. That’s the key.
The Space Heater Person
It’s not so much disgusting as it is annoying. Are you really that frail that you need a personal space heater at your feet? I know the office thermostat is never to be touched, but maybe try a sweater or an electric blanket to overcome your thin-bloodedness? I’m sweating through my button-down over here just so you don’t get pneumonia.
The Dirty Clothes Wearer
Do they not know how to do laundry, or can they just not afford new clothes? Maybe they’re just a messy eater? Is this the latest hipster trend? Who knows. They smell bad, their clothes are all wrinkly, and it looks like they ordered $500 worth of corporate casual from a 1997 Land’s End catalog and haven’t updated their wardrobe since. Get with the times and spring for some new threads. Dress for success.
The Bad Breath Person
The worst. The absolute fucking worst. Yellow teeth, coffee breath and perhaps the worst case of halitosis you’ve encountered since your high school biology teacher. It smells like their mouth has spent the night marinating in month-old garbage. Prescription strength mouthwash might not even work for this person. Your company’s benefits package includes dental, so you’ve gotta wonder when the last time this person was in a dentist’s office. Maybe they haven’t gone in so long because the last time they were in a dentist’s chair, the dental assistant keeled over and died after they opened their mouth.