In college, you basically had one kind of sex, whether drunk or sober, it was pure, unencumbered, animalistic pounding. No expectations, no complaints, and most importantly, no disappointments. Those were the good old days. Now, as we get older, sex isn’t so simple. In fact, it gets more and more complicated and confusing.
1. “Three-Date Rule” Sex
Through sheer liver strength and blue balls you made it to the third date with a girl who you can actually tolerate for more than a few hours at a time. Congratulations. Now the “three date rule” comes into play, where if you don’t make a move she’s going to friendzone you into oblivion.
You keep in mind you’ve dropped about at least a hundred bucks on this girl already, so you’re not sure if you should go for porn star pound town or “love making.” I mean, you can’t just go all Ron Jeremy on this girl; she may actually meet your mother some day. This brings out what most like to call three-date-rule sex. Three-date-rule sex is basically a half-hearted trip to pound town where neither one of you finishes and you just pray that she likes you enough to give you a second chance in the sack. She’ll confide in her friends about it. You won’t.
2. Dry Streak Sex
Dry streak sex is never planned and never expected. You just kind of walk into it, like your roommate does when you and the rando are christening the coffee table. It is a very common scenario. It’s been a few months since you broke it off with the last person you were dating. You meet someone and set up what you think is a completely innocent get together. You have no idea that the person you are going out with is as sex-starved as you are. Fast forward three hours and you’re going to town in your car, then continuing the Animal Planet mating documentary up the elevator and in through your condo’s front door. The sex continues almost daily for a month or two, gradually getting sloppier and sloppier until you are just one step above a one pump chump, just getting the sex out of the way so you can catch up on Breaking Bad on Netflix. The debauchery gradually fades away as you and your equally confused, certified-organic blow up doll realize that after satisfying the initial cravings brought on by your dry streaks you actually do not like each other very much.
3. NSFW Sex
Whoops, you nailed a coworker. Crapping where you eat is an age-old fuckup that has been the blessing and curse of corner-office and cubicle warriors for decades. It started out innocent enough–you went out for some drinks, got hammered, and had sloppy drunk sex until you passed out halfway through, only to almost have a heart attack in the morning when you wake up next to the person you sit across from during Friday meetings. Even though it’s a bad idea, of course you continue the NSFW affair. They’re just too damn convenient. The debauchery gets riskier and riskier until it culminates with the office suck-up walking in on you two on the conference table after hours. You won’t get fired; you’ll just get 3 weeks of office sensitivity training and a boundaries talk. No one can fire anyone in this economy, anyway.
4. Bizarre Fetish Sex
Women get much more comfortable with themselves sexually as they get older. They don’t have to worry about standards or their reputation because they know you probably don’t know anyone they know. You’ll eventually run into some women who want to “expand their horizons.” By “expand their horizons” they mean ridiculously bizarre sexual fetishes. It starts out in testing mode, where she brings out things like blindfolds and silky hand ties. No complaints. However, before you know it, you have a rubber ball in your mouth and she’s tied up face down in the roast chicken position. You can’t avoid the sexually repressed. They walk among us, revealing no signs that they have butt plugs in their nightstands and whips in their closet. Get the hell out before Cleveland Steamers and God-knows-what-else is on the table.
5. Revenge Sex
Every once in a while, you’ll run into someone who has come out of a bad relationship with a cheating partner or spouse, or maybe the same has just happened to you. In their mind, the only solution is to get even. It’ll most likely be a one-time thing, but still, you’ve hit the jackpot. Getting even means absolutely no boundaries. We’re talking room-to-room, primal, kama sutra-type liaisons. This will go on for hours until you have a sex coma worthy of Rip Van Winkle . Of course, by exploiting someone’s emotional pain and suffering to have what may be the best sex you will ever have, you will very likely go to hell, or at least get the clap.