There are better places than home for the holidays. When it comes to Thanksgiving and Christmas, I’m perfectly fine with spending them with my family, but the best part of the holidays is spending them with your friends. These things tend to devolve into underfed, overserved shitshows, because everyone would rather make a 10-minute run to the liquor store instead of taking an hour to prepare some damn side dishes. A successful Friendsgiving hinges on five simple things.
1. Someone Who Knows How To Cook
This is A-1 on your list of things you need for a successful Friendsgiving, which is why it is prominently listed as number one on this list. The last thing you need is someone who doesn’t know how long a turkey actually needs to properly roast (three to four hours depending on weight, you fucking amateur). Also, make sure this person is a good enough cook. Is she planning on basting the bird with unsalted butter? Does she use skim milk in her mashed potatoes like some kind of jerkoff? Does she make her stuffing out of a box like a damn monster? You don’t need a Le Cordon Bleu graduate, but you do need someone who at least knows her way around a kitchen and how to put everyone on the first train to Flavortown.
Don’t have a friend who knows how to roast a turkey? Watch Gordon Ramsay teach you how to make the best damn holiday bird you’ll ever eat and be a dang hero:
2. Someone Who Thinks He Knows How To Cook
Every chef needs a sous chef. This is going to be the person who shouldn’t be trusted by himself in the kitchen, but will be a valuable ally when crunch time hits. This person just wants to be a part of everything. Of course, this may result in him chopping off one of your fingers, but you’re not liable for that. It’s his own damn fault. Some people like to fly solo in the kitchen, but you are going to need a helper, someone who is willing to skin the potatoes and press garlic and keep your glass of wine full. That’s fucking teamwork. Be sure to thank him in your toast at dinner.
If you are neither the cook or the helper, congratulations. You just get to sit around and watch football, drink, and bitch about when this damn turkey will be ready to go.
3. Side Dishes Out The Ass
Turkey is merely the vehicle to get as much fat, carbs, and other goodness as possible into your body. No one eats more than a half-pound of turkey at dinner. Thanksgiving is all about those sides. A proper Friendsgiving is going to have probably anywhere from eight to 20 people at it. Do you know the sheer poundage you’re going to need? A 20-pound turkey will be enough. If you’re asking yourself, “Did I make enough?” you probably didn’t. By the time you’re ready to leave for the party, you should be staring at at least five pounds of one traditional side dish and then a non-traditional side dish. There’ll be an abundance of the traditional sides like stuffing, GBC (green bean casserole), pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, sweet potato pie, and cranberry sauce. But you know what people don’t expect when they show up to a Thanksgiving feast? Macaroni and cheese, cheesy grits, coleslaw, and oyster casserole. Yeah. Oyster fuckin’ casserole.
4. A Big Enough Place To Have A Damn Party
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT host this party at someone’s “luxury” corporate apartment megacomplex. Attempting to distribute a gate passcode, guest parking passes, key fobs, and instructions on how to navigate the sprawling complex to get to your damn apartment to dozens of people will be your personal hell. Go house or go home. Houses: ample seating, plenty of space, multiple bathrooms, plenty of counter space, and more than likely, a person who rents or owns a house is actually in possession of a large kitchen table capable of supporting more than four large pans. House it.
5. A Metric Fuckton Of Assorted Alcohol
Sticking with just liquor is a common rookie mistake. This isn’t your average house party. This is Friendsgiving, your one night a year to look like and be an adult. You need beer, wine, and liquor. Liquor to get your buzz going, wine for dinner, beer to keep your pre-dinner buzz going. Easy as pie. Don’t forget a fucking pie..