I know today is Thursday. You’ll thank me when you’re done reading, though, because most of these take at least twenty-four hours of mental (or actual) preparation. With that in mind, let’s start here: every Friday, my alarm goes off, and I immediately fight the urge to go back to sleep. Granted, that happens most weekdays, but on Friday, there is a certain kind of magical laziness that makes slacking off feel okay (apparently in reality, it isn’t at all). In college, it was standard operating procedure to get wasted every Ladies’ night with wonderful intentions of getting up for class Friday, and then sleeping in until noon; I wouldn’t even bother setting an alarm. Sue me.
Even with the advent of PTO, no postgrad in their right mind would consider sleeping-in over burning precious hours of vacation. With that being said, we do have one trick up our sleeve if we can be crafty enough: leaving early on Friday. It’s not quite Peter Gibbons on the lookout for Lumberg while sneaking out of his cube, but to leave early on Friday with an excused absence takes finesse, communication, and balls (lady balls work too). Let me first start by saying all of these excuses have worked for me, given 24 hour email notice to the boss. Open and transparent communication is key here people; overkill is underrated.
1. Show up early
I’m talking 5 a.m. early, which means you wake up at 4 a.m. Yes, you heard me right. The first guy in the building is untouchable for the day. If a Postgrad is napping in his chair, and no one is there to see him sleep, is he really sleeping instead of working? Simply send an email to your boss right when you get in about “the reports due next week,” set an alarm for six thirty, and then PTFO. Works like a charm every time. That way, you can leave around two thirty with a clear conscience (or a legitimate excuse).
2. Schedule (or say you scheduled) a doctor’s appointment
I always say that I have a 2 p.m. appointment, which means that I’ll leave for lunch around 12:30 and then head straight to the doctor’s. It’s the perfect time, and that’s proven, so don’t deviate from this. Also, don’t attempt this more than once a month, though. If you’re lucky, you already procured an Adderall prescription in college which gives you an ironclad monthly excuse to take a half-day off. I always just reference a bad back from my football days. Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would’ve been state champions. No doubt. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
3. Picking up a child from school
This is a morally grey area because I know that some of our readers gasp at the thought of outright lying to get out of work (yikes!), but let’s assume for argument’s sake you’re using this excuse. BOOM! School gets out around 3 p.m., which means you are out the door briskly by 2:30 p.m. Whenever I use this one, I always say I’m picking up my fiancé’s kid from school. No judgment please. Zero kids, zero fucks.
4. Schedule work on your car
My car is by far the crappiest rig in our company’s lot, which means that I’ll probably need an inspection or an oil change from time to time. Of course, your manager (who drives either a Hyundai or a Kia) understands the need to keep up with the piece of crap that you’re driving. Simply explain that you finally found a really good mechanic across town and that the only time available was 2:30 in the afternoon – on a Friday. No one can step up to you after seeing the 200,000 plus miles on the odometer.
5. Vomit in front of someone
Anyone…even the custodial staff will do just fine. Wash your hands, make a circle with your index finger and thumb, lean over your trash can, insert that circle you just made into your mouth, and try to flick the back of your throat. You won’t be able to. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time..
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