You probably already knew this, but I like food. In fact, food is one of the top priorities in my life right now, so I’m sure you’re shocked that there’s really any kind of food out there that I don’t like. To be honest, there isn’t much. This isn’t that list though–this isn’t as much about food that I don’t like as it is a list of food everyone else has decided is incredible. I just want society to pump the brakes on these.
It’s a magical mystery food that’s like rice, but hard and bitter and almost inedible–but hey, it has protein! Seriously, vegans are the worst. Actually, I’ll back off of that. Most vegans are okay. Evangelical vegans are the worst. Look, it’s fine if you’re in the lifestyle, that’s whatever, but can you shut the fuck up about super foods and weird, arbitrary, nutritional information that’s probably made up? In fact, consider this section an indictment of quinoa, kale, tofu, and anything you silly people put on a pizza that doesn’t belong on a fucking pizza. If you want to eat things that don’t taste good because it’s ostensibly better for you and it makes you feel better about the rest of your consumerism, that’s fine. Just don’t outright lie to us and tell us that it’s magically supposed to be better for us than any other food–or even worse, that it tastes good. It doesn’t. Sure, kale is nutrient-rich, but your green shakes are dumb and they make my eyes water. Oh, also, your obsession with quinoa is destroying the food table economy for impoverished people in Peru. I hope you’re happy.
Salads can be incredible, sure, but think back to the last really awesome salad you had. How much of that was because of the salad and how much of that was because of the fried chicken, bacon, cheese, croutons, and fatty dressing? So really, a bomb-ass salad isn’t much more than a list of “bad for you” foods set atop a bed of green things. I like a nice salad as an appetizer. Just a simple Caesar or house salad at a steakhouse or Italian place before the entree. It’s good, but it’s not great. Every now and then, I’ll eat one of those monstrosity salads for a meal, but I’m definitely not deluding myself into thinking that it’s anything more than glorified nachos with lettuce substituted for chips.
I’ve never had a cronut, which technically means that I’m talking out of my ass for this section, but I’m talking out of my ass most of the time anyway, so y’all should be used to it by now. The cronut is an item that’s right up my alley. It’s a mashup of two different foods, both of which are foods that I love. It’s also absurdly bad for you, and that’s a recipe for me loving it. However, there is no way in fuck that it’s nearly good enough to deserve the lines and attention that it gets some places. I’ve heard stories of people waiting for HOURS in order to try one of these Frankenstein desserts–the monster, not the doctor, obviously. I’ve read books. I don’t care if it’s the single greatest sweet treat ever created, nothing in the world is worth waiting in line hours for, except for maybe a chance to meet Sam Elliot, and also Franklin Barbecue. I’ll probably try a cronut, now that other places have ripped off the idea and are making it themselves, provided that all I have to do is walk in, ask for it, and walk the fuck out.
You liking lobster has nothing to do with lobster. Lobster is okay. Butter sauce, however, is incredible. Butter sauce is good with everything. Why do you think Papa John’s is my favorite fast food pizza place, even though Domino’s has better pizza? Free garlic butter sauce. That’s how you win. Want to get people to show up to your shitty band’s show? Offer butter sauce. Want people to like your homebrewed beer that has kind of a wonky flavor to it? Put butter sauce in it. How do you seduce a woman? Not with charm, kindness, or being good looking. With butter sauce, motherfucker! There’s a reason lobster used to be fed to prisoners–it was cheap, easy to harvest, and plentiful. There’s also a reason those prisoners rioted over it. Lobster is a below average meal. Maybe if they’d served it with butter sauce, it would’ve gone better.
My collective group of friends just gasped in horror. This is going to get me yelled at by a lot of people, but it needs to be said. Let me clarify, I LOVE Chipotle. I think it’s fantastic food, and I’m a fan of the way they do business. That being said, within my age group, a lot of people hold it up like it’s a place of worship. As if the god of reasonably-priced, pseudo-ethnic food is someone who needed to be pleased, and Chipotle is his temple. Look, Chipotle is great for a $7, corporate, fast serve burrito, but we should probably remember that ultimately, it’s still just a $7, corporate, fast serve burrito. It’s not the best burrito I’ve ever had in my life. Hell, it’s not even close. I grew up in the best state in the world for Americanized Mexican food, and I’ve had a lot of mind-blowing burritos in my day, none of which came from a chain restaurant where my servers were white, community college students (no offense to Chipotle employees, you guys are nice). All I’m saying is that it’s one thing for Chipotle to be your favorite lunch destination when you need something quick and easy on your break, but let’s not act like the food served there was created on Mount Olympus and brought down to Earth in a golden chariot, only to be put in metal food warmers to await your arrival. That would be mixing national religious beliefs. Also, the gods aren’t real. That, too.