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5 Foolproof Recipes Everyone Should Use

When it comes to the kitchen, a lady tends to tilt one of two ways. She either welcomes the act of cooking and baking with open arms, or she stays far away from anything culinary out of fear and overall disinterest. We can’t fault the latter–we kitchen warriors were once in those very shoes. We know it can be intimidating, but we also know how imperative it is to have a small arsenal of recipes to break out when necessary.

All that being said, please know that I am by no means a Stepford wife. I cuss like a sailor, I don’t shower for consecutive days at a time, and my food and drink of choice are Chipotle and heavy craft beer. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love to cook. Here is a list of failsafe recipes I curated to keep in your back pocket at all times.

Morning After Deal-Sealer Pancakes

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So, you two sealed the deal last night. P in V. C in P. W in C. You’ve crossed that line, and now it’s time to really deliver. These sour cream-based ‘cakes scream, “You thought the sex was good? Wait ’til you taste these suckers.” Take it a step further by throwing some thick-cut bacon or scrambled eggs on the side and you’ll probably end up having sex right on the table.

First At Home Date Pasta Sauce

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Any sensible lady knows that inviting a new guy over for a homemade meal is a huge milestone in the relationship. You should only do it when you’re ready and you two have an established trust. That being said, Ina Garten and her hubby Jeffrey are basically the epitome of getting to a man’s heart by way of his stomach. She feeds him all of her amazing creations and gets a serious lady boner when she watches him eat. This Bolognese tastes what I imagine love would taste like if it had a taste. It’s perfect, delicious, and hearty in all the right ways–much like the guaranteed cuddle session that will happen after this meal.

Let’s Taco ‘Bout Seasoning

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There’s something about homemade tacos and giving guests the freedom to assemble their meal exactly how they want that makes the entire experience so easy and fun. No matter how inept you consider yourself when it comes to cooking, anyone can mix spices, pour them over a pile of meat, mix everything around, and cook the meat in a skillet. Then just cut up some avocados, tear up some cilantro, put a couple of hot sauce and cheese choices on your counter, and let your friends have at it. If you truly are incapable of doing any of that, you may need to check your IQ.

Bonerific Chicken Piccata

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Giada’s face and over-annunciation of Italian terms bother me, but her cooking doesn’t. This chicken piccata recipe is everything: succulent, flavorful, and most importantly, easy as hell. Grilled chicken is a boring staple for most postgrads who are looking for simple and fast meals to fix. Many times, we’re assholes and forgo flavor in place of ease. Trust me when I say that this recipe permits both ease and flavor, no “Sophie’s Choice” necessary. Oh, and insider’s tip: if you don’t have chicken stock or broth on hand, vegetable stock or broth works just the same. A broth is a broth is a broth.

Surefire Cunnilingus Brownies

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Why I decided to call these brownies that name is beyond me, because these aren’t just to impress potential lovers. These are to impress and fatten up any and everyone you consider worthy of tasting something so perfectly, orgasmically delicious. I’m not big on chocolate, but these squares of heaven are irresistible. Forget that boxed shit. It’s a joke and so are you for using it. This recipe calls for only seven ingredients–they have a massive orgy and eventually produce the most sexually arousing brownies you’ll ever taste in your entire life. It’s the sea salt, 100 percent.

Keep these secret, keep them safe, and most of all, make cooking fun, guys.

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Emma G

Emma is a female with a vagina and, subsequently, often writes things other vaginas (and sometimes weiners) find super relatable. She is a 20something who loves eating, buying clothes she doesn't need, and wearing lipstick. You can find 4+ years of her rantings on her blog: www.emmasthing.com

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