1. The Guy Who Doesn’t Wash His Hands
There you are standing in front of your least favorite urinal between two men old enough to remember the 1926 World Series yet can’t recall what they ate for breakfast. Just when you think it couldn’t get any more awkward, you make your way through a routine hand wash and the fellow next you is looking at the mirror with no running water. He takes a full two minutes fixing what’s left of his hair and even blows his nose. Then he’s out. Just like that. With no regard for personal sanitation. This guy’s hands are about to be all over the conference room table. The worst part is he doesn’t even care. A full bathroom just saw this guy up and leave and he had no fucks to give about it, like washing your hands isn’t even a thing. Cross your fingers he’s one of those guys who carries pocket Purell.
2. The Guy Who Should’ve Called In Sick
This guys sucks. You know he just used a sick day last week to take his dog to get a bath and now all of a sudden he’s the superhero of the office by dragging himself in complete with a runny nose, a hacking cough and a fever of 105. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure that’s worthy of a hospital visit. There isn’t a piece of work in your whole office that can’t wait until tomorrow to be done, but this guy is walking around all high and mighty because your boss came by and told you to be half as dedicated to your job as sick boy. Oh, and this will be the day after you run out of Emergen-C.
3. The Old Guy In Bike Shorts
This guy thinks he’s a fitness guru despite the fact that he’s pushing 60 with a beer belly that’s shrunk about 6 pounds in the last 8 months thanks to his new habit of exercising during lunch. With no gym or showers in the building, he takes to walking laps around the building for his 30 minute lunch break. Where it gets disgusting interesting is this guy chooses to change in his cube instead of the bathroom where he decides, every day, how awesome it would make him look if he forgot his shorts and walked his half mile in just spandex. If you’re on a diet, this might actually work out in your favor because there’s no chance you’ll hold down that five dollar footlong after seeing this sweaty beast walking down the hall after his “workout.”
4. Lunch In The Break Room
It’s Monday morning. You just spent $200 at the bars this weekend and can’t afford the dollar menu so you swallowed your pride, packed a ham and cheese sandwich and hit the break room. There are just three of you in there—no wait, that is one guy who is the size of two normal humans. You know this guy. He’s the one whole takes up the entire hallway. You actually have to walk into the bathroom so he can pass by. Well he has been chasing down Jabba the Hut as biggest thing to ever exist and he’s sucking down hamburgers like a Dyson. It’s like watching a labrador try to eat as many scraps as possible when you accidentally rip the dog food bag and spill the contents all over the floor. Hopefully you have a TV in your break room to divert your attention from an eating display that could give Joey Chesnut a run for his money.
5. The Nose Picker
This coworker is like a disgusting ninja because you can’t even figure out who it is. You’re just minding your own playing Candy Crush under the conference room table during a pointless Wednesday morning staff meeting and the top of your phone happens to break off a few crusties someone left under the table. It’s absolutely unsanitary. Those belonged to someone’s nostrils at one point. You look around the room and all hands are accounted for—not even a stray finger. Odds are it’s your basic office weird guy, Jerry. But maybe it’s Sally from HR? Maybe it’s someone you’ve never even met before. Whoever the perpetrator, this case needs to be cracked so all my work just got put on hold until this mystery is solved. Unless you want to send me a Candy Crush life. Level 143 is my first priority.