1. Stone Cold Steve Austin
Admit it. When that glass smashed to cue his theme music, you wanted to beat the hell out of something. You knew Vince or Shane-O-Mac was about get Stunnered or endure a brutal verbal assault, all after this piss-drunk redneck poured two Coors Lights all over his face. I honestly have friends that still replicate this move at tailgates and bars when hammered, and it’s still the universal sign for “Okay, get him out of here.”
Think about the life lessons taught by Mr. Austin here: drinking at work in a vest and basically your underwear, beating the absolute shit out of your boss and his family with minimal consequences, and doing whatever you want after having your presence announced over the PA. Never mind, he’s still my hero.
2. Major Payne
Very underrated movie, but I’m pretty sure Major Payne was a complete sociopath. He finds children’s flaws and exploits them in front of everyone. A 6-year-old had an “accident” and only accelerated Payne’s wrath without remorse, making a hilarious diaper joke. He sends his students to steal a rival school’s trophy, and then tells the rivals about it to purposely ensure a very severe beating of the unsuspecting 12 year olds. He fires live rounds to quiet them and tosses a live grenade within dangerous proximity of the students to make them better at an obstacle course. He makes fun of the deaf kid, too. What a dick.
3. Mark McGwire/Barry Bonds/Sammy Sosa/Every Baseball Player In The 1990s
The home-run race of 1998 was a really special moment in MLB history and our childhoods. At least until you realized all these oversized freaks were juicing up, and got away with it in a time where MLB and Congress didn’t care yet. Now we remember that time as the beginning of the end for whatever good reputation MLB had at that point. Despite pulling down their pants and shitting all over the integrity of the game and our childhoods, watching those ‘roided up monsters crush 70+ homers in one season was pretty fun. But still, thanks, assholes.
4. Al Bundy
Al Bundy is still one of the best characters ever created, but “Alcoholic unmotivated women’s shoe salesman who hates everything” won’t look very good on a résumé. He hates his wife, despite massively outkicking his coverage, and hates his kids because…okay, I would hate them, too. The worst possible combination of offspring is smoking hot idiot daughter and weird son who can’t play sports or tie a fishing knot. Although to be fair, it’s probably Al’s fault his son sucks at those things.
Speaking to his lack of motivation, he works in the mall. We all know people who work in malls, and chances are you don’t associate with them; not because they work in the mall, but because they’re content with working in the mall. Nothing we underpaid postgrads hate more than someone who actually likes their shitty job. But he did name his son Bud, so there’s that.
As you get older, the marijuana references just become too much to ignore. If Scooby spent his time with Freddy, he’d probably have a good education and be a respectable member of society while wearing a neckerchief. Plus he would have free dog reign to walk in on Daphne in the shower without making it weird. That would be awesome. But no, he just spends his time blazing that shit up with that little stoner Shaggy and eating all the food in haunted houses that are preposterously overstocked with fresh sandwich ingredients. Get a goddamn job, Al. Kids need to be taught to hang out with the Freddys of the world, and only interact with the Shaggys when placing an order from your car.