The whole concept of the SmartPhone is still kind of weird to me. I jumped on the iPhone train pretty late (all things considered), and I still find it baffling that I essentially have a tiny, gold, extra delicate computer on my person at all times. If it wasn’t such a necessary thing, I probably wouldn’t have a phone at all. I find myself mindlessly refreshing it anytime I’m bored (and even times when I’m not), and I protect it more than I care to admit. I hate myself a little for how attached I am to my phone. And I hate the fact that we basically cannot live without them anymore.
Putting my hatred for our addiction to technology aside, there is one part of the SmartPhone that I just cannot wrap my brain around–Apps. I don’t know why there are so many, I don’t know why people can make an ass-ton of money inventing them, and I really don’t know why there are some that Apple/LG give to you automatically. I really don’t need NFL Draft or the Apple Watch app. I really, really don’t. I don’t like that I have to organize them or my phone looks like a collage board gone wrong. They just aren’t for me.
However, there are some apps that, should an anti-social sophomore at Harvard invent when he becomes bored with deciding whether chicks are “Hot or Not,” I will be all over. Seriously. He could even charge $1.99 (something normal apps request that make me scoff), and I’d be typing in my Visa number so quick his curls and Mountain Dew breath wouldn’t even be able to take it.
Now, I heard about TinDog, too. So, I know you’re thinking, “Kendra, stop whining and go download it.” But I don’t want to meet other dog lovers and have puppy play dates with my dog. My dog is grumpy and a stereotypical only child. She doesn’t want to swipe right to any dogs. I want an app that purely sets me up with puppies I can snuggle. I don’t have to talk to their owners, don’t have to engage in, “What breed is she?” small talk that just ends in us mutually agreeing that shedding sucks. I just want to cradle a French Bulldog like a baby. And an app that sends me directly to one would be greatly appreciated.
2. Smart House
Remember the 1999 Disney Channel original movie with the lady from 8 Simple Rules? Well, I want an app that takes care of all things in the house for me. Laundry isn’t dry? Touchscreen it, and the dryer is restarted. Need to turn on the AC and don’t want to get off the couch? Bada bing bada boom — now it’s a cool 62 degrees. I’m eating Mac & Cheese out of the pot and forgot to turn the stove-top off? Pat’s there on my screen to make sure I don’t die. It blows my mind that you can get an alarm system to do these, but I can’t do it from my phone. I would also like it if it was Pat from Smart House‘s voice saying “Completed! Anything else?” each time I select a task. That’d be nostalgic.
3. Can I Meet Your Friend?
This could just be an addition to Tinder, if we’re talking seriously. You know when you hit a photo of three people, and there’s the person you thought was cute that made you click on the photo? It always blows when the actual person ends up being the buddy you weren’t into. If the hottie you initially were thirsty for is on Tinder, you should have the option to click directly to them. You press their pretty, little face, you swipe away from the person you weren’t interested in, and get to begin stalking the person who first caught your eye. Everybody wins.
Girls, anyone? Well just in case you live under a rock and didn’t hear about this, I’ll refresh your memory. When you go through a breakup, or a falling out, you simply put this person’s contact info and your credit card info into the app. If you text them or call, them there is an automatic deduction from your account. You literally lose money when you lose your pride and make contact. It would nip all of that pesky, “I’ll just say hi!” crap so quick. I’m into it. So, so into it.
5. There’s An App For That
If you utter the words “I wish there was an app for that” or some semblance of the phrase, Siri takes you to the App Store to show you that there is. Sure, you lose a little bit of that feeling of “I’m a genius!” but then you find out Postmates exists, so everything is kind of great again in no time flat because you’re getting Chipotle delivered. And burrito bowls make everything better.
I could also use an app that makes my Siri stop being so damn sarcastic. I really don’t like her tone. .
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