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41 Things That Perpetually Late People Understand

airport

  1. At least half of your text messages are “I’ll be there in five” and “running a bit behind schedule.”
  2. You’ve received a round of applause from a plane full of people for making it on board just before push back.
  3. Your bathroom clock is 15 minutes ahead.
  4. You’ve stopped coming up with excuses entirely. People have accepted that you’re going to be late and don’t ask questions anymore.
  5. You make the McAllister family look punctual.
  6. You’ve made an entire row of people stand up so you can get to your seats.
  7. You keep a fake speeding ticket in your wallet just in case you have to produce evidence.
  8. You’ve perfected the flustered, arms out, “Hey, I’m sorry” gesture.
  9. You think the national anthem constitutes the first 20 minutes of a game.
  10. You hear “Glad you could join us” upon arrival on a regular basis.
  11. You’ve trained yourself to send a “Hey where u at” text after showing up anywhere.
  12. You spend the first half hour at a bar playing catch up.
  13. You are a master of making finding yourself a spot in a conversation circle.
  14. You have developed a god complex thinking events don’t start until you’ve shown up.
  15. You don’t realize it’s time to leave your house until you drop your phone on your face.
  16. You often find yourself saying “We just got here!” because you actually did just get there.
  17. All is forgiven when you bring in donuts.
  18. Punctuality is for try-hards.
  19. You’re an expert at making an entrance, but also an expert at discreetly appearing out of nowhere.
  20. “Hey I’m just finding a place to park.” -sent from my iPhone right after getting out of the shower and standing in front of my closet in just a towel
  21. Procrastination is more of an art to you than it is a bad habit.
  22. You have it figured out down to the second how long you can stay in bed before you have to get out of bed and not be late for work.
  23. You accepted your job because there’s a great rear entrance to the office.
  24. You have to leave room in your yearly budget for speeding tickets.
  25. And court-mandated driver safety courses.
  26. You have sat in silence while the officer writes you a ticket after being pulled over just so you have a valid excuse for being late.
  27. You hate waiting. That’s why you’re late to everything. Yeah, that’s why.
  28. You’ve perfected the art of apologizing to the entire row of people at the sporting event you showed up to halfway through the second quarter.
  29. “The previews are like 20 minutes long anyway. We’re good.”
  30. “Yeah, I know where we’re going. It’s around here somewhere.”
  31. Irish Goodbye? More like Irish Hello.
  32. “Have you ordered yet?”
  33. You have wandered around restaurants and bars like a lost child in search of your friends.
  34. It is physically impossible for you to close your laptop.
  35. You own a watch and don’t see the irony in it.
  36. You’ve ruined multiple surprise parties.
  37. You use phrases like “arriving in style” and “fashionably late” in situations where that is completely unwarranted.
  38. You always make sure you have something in your hand when you show up late, so it looks like you were somewhere else beforehand. Coffee, donuts, a hammer. Anything to cover your ass.
  39. You have kept an old car for too long just so you can legitimately use the “car trouble” excuse.
  40. “Hey, where’s the bathroom in this place?”
  41. You’re reading this listicle instead of getting in the car and going where you were supposed to be five minutes ago.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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