40 Events That Would Exist In The Consultant Olympics

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40 Events That Would Exist In The Consultant Olympics

With the Olympics now in full swing, it’s only natural for us less than average humans to think about how much we all suck in comparison to the elite Gods and Goddesses of modern day athleticism. We feel shitty about our looks, which makes us feel shitty about our skills, which makes us feel shitty about our job, which makes us feel shitty about our life. It’s a never-ending cycle of self-mindfucking where the only remedy is drinking the Michael Phelps Kool-Aid in our underwear surrounded by three empty bags of Orvile Redenbacher’s with extra butter. And so it continues.

But what if real people with real skills and real jobs had their own Olympics to compete in? Take consultants for example. Ignoring the fact that we’re only half the people we once were (due to the daily grind chipping away at our soul), don’t have any tangible skills, and don’t actually know what we do for a living, here’s what the sports world would look like if there were Olympics for us:

1. Excel-Word-PPT Triathlon

2. Fastest through non-TSA Pre peasant security line

3. RFP proposals in 24 hours

4. 10k hotel/airline point redemption trials

5. Airport laps

6. Synchronized lying to the client

7. Airport code trivia

8. Beach Buzzword face-off

9. How many consultants can you fit in a 6×6 team room

10. Overhead luggage deadlift

11. Rhythmic white-boarding

12. “Who just joined?”

13. Status reporting

14. Debating the use of hyphens in “omnichannel”

15. Work-life balance beam

16. Circling back-stroke

17. Plane train relay in ATL

18. Freestyle sweating

19. Passive aggressive email blasting

20. Ghosting your own family

21. Marathon expense filing

22. “Please advise”-ing

23. Communicating with the offshore team…effectively

24. Client super-stalking

25. Template Taekwondo

26. Deep-diving

27. Airport meltdowns

28. Most politically incorrect snapchats

29. Nordic bullshitting

30. Acronym identification

31. Opening kimonos

32. Putting the customer first

33. Trampoline-ing to a competitor

34. Putting out fires

35. Simultaneously speaking for 30 minutes straight but not actually saying anything at all

36. Modern-day evangelizing

37. Roadmap banging out

38. Hurdling your problems onto others

39. Explaining what consultants do for a living…

40. …And having people actually understand.

Image via Shutterstock

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