So unless you work for Google (nerd alert!) or some kewl start-up, chances are you’re going to work in a pretty awkward environment for your first job. It takes several months to acclimate to spending the majority of your day amongst squares who are worrying about how to pay for their kids’ college educations. You have nothing in common with most of the people you work with. Like, they probably don’t even know what shotgunning a beer is, and you’re so fresh, you’re practically still recovering from senior week. So let me help you. Here are some uncomfortable moments you’ll likely encounter at your first job. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
1. No One Knows Who You Are
Or what you even do, for that matter. Get ready for awkward name mix ups. I mean, one of my professors accidentally called one of the three black kids in my class Jamal when his name was Jalen. I don’t think it will be quite on this level, but better to be prepared anyway. Furthermore, never try to use a person’s name unless you are 100% sure of what it is. You’re a minion; you’re not allowed to mix up your rulers.
2. Physically Running Into People
Don’t act like this won’t happen to you. You think you’re alert and on your toes, but this shit will blindside you. Literally. Blind corners are not your friend. You will inevitably hit one hard at the same time as Mr. Pedophile Mustache and, whammy! All of a sudden, your face is in his chest a la Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly. Oh, you’re a dude and you’re tall? Great, then expect to have the smelly lady run straight into you one day, “accidentally” touching your junk with both hands. This one will take some time to recover from. Find a friend and talk it out.
3. Getting Caught On NSFW Sites
Disclaimer: I didn’t even know what NSFW meant until like two months ago. Maybe that’s why I have about eight awkward instances of this under my belt. You gotta perfect the two browser overlap early on. I’m getting better. I watch about 8-10 Timeflies vids a day so I can watch Cal make out with the mic and pretend it’s me. I believe this would be “frowned upon,” ergo, I pull up some important looking spreadsheet and just have it on the ready for my switch. Just wait, your senses will become as sharp as those of a bat.
4. Anything Related To The Bathroom
I mean, this is pretty self-explanatory. One minute you’re trying to enjoy your one-sided blumpkin after your shitty morning cup of coffee, the next you have someone in the stall next to you wreaking havoc. You better learn how to perfect the timing so as never to make eye contact with someone you meet in the bathroom. It’s also pretty disturbing when you’re rushing in to eliminate the street meat you had for lunch before it literally poisons your blood and some lady is just in there rubbing lipstick off her teeth for 25 minutes. Avert your eyes at all times.