I’ve come to accept the fact that most of my friends are never going to be in normal relationships. Oddly enough, as unique as some of their dating situations are, some of my friends seem to fall into a particular archetype. After extensive research in the field, here are a few types of interesting relationships I’ve discovered are the most common.
1. The Constant Warriors
I don’t understand why these fucking people won’t break up already. If they’re not yelling at each other, they’re making sarcastic, backhanded comments at a low volume to each other, presumably to save their voices for the aforementioned yelling. Maybe the sex is good? Either way, why do two people who clearly have more disdain than appreciation for each other choose to continue being a couple? Being around someone you couldn’t disagree with more on any topic basically all day HAS to be exhausting. I’ve broken things off with girls who merely insinuated that I was wrong before, so why would you stay with someone who constantly calls your character and general humanity into question?
2. The Sex Fiends
If you and the person you date enjoy gettin’ it on, that’s great. If you like to get it on in super weird ways, have fun. But do you guys really have to let everyone know that you’re constantly banging each other’s brains into goo at every possible moment? Here’s a fun little anecdote. One of my roommates was dating a girl once. They fucked all the time. All. The. Time. I know this because our apartment complex didn’t invest in recording studio-level sound proofing, which is what would have been required for her over-the-top vocalizations to not permeate the entire building. But fine, she’s loud. That’s fun, I get it.
So one night we’re out at a bar, sitting in a booth. The rest of our group gets up to get drinks, leaving me, my roommate, and Moany McGee. I’m across from them, but I can still see that she’s going in for a good, old-fashioned OTPHJ. A little unnecessary, given that I’m right there, but again, I get it. Here’s where it goes off the rails. Under the table, she unzips his pants and straight up pulls it out. Luckily, I couldn’t actually see it, but she’s clearly switched up her motion from stroking to outright jerking. To top it all off, she did this while never breaking eye contact with me. It was unnerving. I’m not sure if she was into the whole voyeurism thing or if it was just a weirdly constructed power move, but there was no doubt that she was intentionally giving me the staredown. Obviously, I noped out of there pretty much immediately. Some of my friends have theorized she was trying to execute a devil’s three way. I’m not totally sold on that, not that it matters, because I’m philosophically against turning sex into a pickup game with one of my buddies.
3. The Perfect Girlfriend
You don’t know how he did it, but your buddy landed a girl who may as well walk on water–she’s that incredible. She’s independent, smart, can cook, loves sports, reads important books, has a wide but well-cultured taste in music and movies, swears like a high school football coach, buys the most thoughtful gifts for him and all his friends, and is just generally a joy to be around. She probably goes down on him twice a day, too. And not because she’s nice, but because she’s one of the rare ones who actually enjoys the act. And this fucking goober is the one who got with her. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy–but really? Him?! I suppose it would all be okay if you were doing well, romantically. But it’s a struggle to find girls who are into poor, moderately good looking guys, and you can’t be choosy about them. It’s a little more bothersome.
4. The Rock Steady
These guys are my favorite. They’re the ones who have been together so long, you actually forget that you knew one or both of them when they were single. They have a lot more serious considerations in their lives than you do, so they’re way more mature than you. A lot of times, that makes them the default parents of your group. And like your parents’ marriage, it’s super rough for everyone if it breaks up. Everyone else struggling in the dating world looks at The Rock Steady couple as the gold standard, a reminder that people still find love in this crazy world. So if they end up splitting, it can be devastating for the whole group. They were your idols, and now they’re totally different in your eyes. It’s like the moment you found out that Mark McGwire was juicing, or that Chevy Chase is a gigantic asshole. Never the same. I hope for the sanity of everyone out there that all Rock Steady couples stay together forever, so that none of the rest of us lose hope.