College football is in full swing, and after spending the opening weekend watching on TV at home, the second weekend in town for a game, and this past weekend spending all day Saturday watching games in a clubhouse surrounded by postgrads, I have come to the conclusion that there are 4 types of postgrad football fans. Maybe there are more out there that I am missing, but these people remained constant every weekend so far. I suppose I will start you off with which of these fans I would (not proudly) consider myself, although depending on the weekend I’m sure I could fit into any of these.
1. The Degenerate Gambler
This fan could care less about pride, tradition, rivalry, school spirit, or anything else you might find in the traditional fan. But this guy would put a bet on a division 3 game if somebody gave him the line. He bets on everything starting with the Thursday night MAC game between two teams that won’t even be playing in a bowl game, and he doesn’t stop until that final West Coast game on Saturday kicks off. He’s always got a hundred bucks on his favorite team, but that is pennies compared to what he can make if he hits his 6 team parlay that he “got some inside information” on a few days before. I suggest hanging around this guy because, speaking from experience, the drinks will be on him all night if he wins, and if he loses you can most likely find him drowning his sorrows (and maybe crying) alone somewhere because he put a couple hundred on Nebraska to beat UCLA at home, which he thought was the lock of the century.
2. The Die Hard
This fan doesn’t just love their college football team. They would literally blow the head coach if it guaranteed a BCS bowl. They are always up to date on the latest recruits that are making visits, which players are injured, hell, they probably know what the quarterback ate for lunch today. They will come strolling into the office on Monday talking about how their team just landed the 12th best offensive tackle in the country, when you really don’t even want to be talked to, let alone about some 350-pound high school kid. You will find this guy in the same spot every game day, posted up on his lucky spot on the couch wearing that football jersey that’s from the last time his team went undefeated. Hanging around this guy is always a solid choice too, because he will be passing out celebratory shots if his team wins.
3. The Expert
This fan thinks he could flat out coach the team to a national title if he was on the sideline. He was probably a standout football stud in high school, and maybe even played a little college ball back in his prime, and due to this fact he automatically assumes he is the second coming of Nick Saban. He’s constantly talking about schemes that should be run, who isn’t getting the right amount of touches on offense, and why the defense doesn’t run a 4-3. He is constantly screaming things like “jam the slot man” or “run the trap and split the hole” which, if heard in the wrong context by a non-football fan, could be understood as a very bad sexual innuendo. I don’t recommend spending any time around this fan on Saturday when your team is playing. You will either end up in a fight or end up very drunk trying to drown out this loser.
4. The Casual
“Hey guys, wanna go see that new Ben Affleck and Justin Timberlake movie tomorrow night?” This guy has no idea that it is college football season and your team’s biggest rival is in town. Completely oblivious to the importance of this game, this guy will watch the game and pretend to care or know what he is talking about. Then he will start asking where your Heisman trophy candidate from 3 years ago is. “Dude…that guy is playing for the playing for New England now, are you high?” will likely be your response. He’ll laugh it off and act like he was joking, when in all reality this guy can’t name one player on the team he “cheers” for. Don’t hang around these types of losers, because as soon as your team starts losing he will want to throw in the fourth season of Breaking Bad so he can get caught up. Also, he’ll try to start the wave while your team is in the red zone. Guaranteed.